Why is network television terrible? Well, not everything on network is terrible, but I am talking about prime-time TV.
Between the hours of 7 and 9 p.m., there is garbage. I am referring to “American Idol” and “Dancing with the Stars.” I cringe when I think about how “American Idol” is the No. 1 ranked television show in the country. It is embarrassing.
Why do we like this show so much? Do we like it because it showcases how anybody can be a star and it reinforces the idea that Americans can do anything? No. We like it because we can make fun of the idiots who do not make it and cheer for the ones who do.
At least that’s why I think 28.2 million people tune in weekly. I, for one, would rather someone punch me in the face every Tuesday and Wednesday. The whole show is a joke. The idea that a television network honestly tallies up the votes every week is ridiculous.
I have seen Simon Cowell in his baby doll tees, and they make me puke. I think Randy Jackson is just getting paid to sit there and be a spokesperson for gastric bypass surgery. Paula Abdul is sweet but she has got to be on some sort of codeine cocktail. Why do we care what Paula Abdul thinks about music anyway? She was in a music video making eyes at an animated cat. One of her biggest hits was “Cold Hearted Snake.”
If these judges were great at what they do, they wouldn’t be on “American Idol.” They would be out there making records or helping new talent find fame and fortune.
What would have been funny is if they had Jennifer Lopez on the show as Cartman’s hand puppet on “South Park.” Only then would I have watched.
One reality show I do like is “Flavor of Love.” No, not because I wanted Flavor Flav to find true love, or because I was interested in the inner workings of the girls on the show, but because it is the most honest and unscripted reality show on television. At least that show exhibits real, raw emotion and sleaziness, not the mass-marketed sleaziness that you can buy at Wal-Mart.
Another show I loathe is “Dancing with the Stars.” For those of you who live in a cave, it is ABC’s retaliation against FOX in the battle for great television. “Dancing with the Stars” may be even worse than “American Idol.” At least on “American Idol,” the performers know that they are not famous.
In “Dancing with the Stars,” you have to make room for the once-famous egos of former child stars and beauty queens of yesteryear. The whole show seems like a huge ploy concocted by celebrities’ agents to get them back in the news again.
This season, there are the regular has-beens, as always, but there is one contestant in particular about whom I am interested. I am amused that Paul McCartney’s old flame, Heather Mills, is on the show. I really like how she was introduced as a “charity activist and campaigner” and not the scheming dirtbag that she is. I guess the hosts could not really get away with introducing her as a former call girl. I want her to fall down, repeatedly, not because she has an artificial limb, but because she does not even deserve to be on television, even on that show.
Network television has been on the decline for years. The number of terrible shows greatly outweighs the good shows and even the mediocre shows. I do feel like the reality television craze should be coming to an end, so why is there a shortage of quality programming on basic cable? Where have all the screenwriters gone?
The answer: HBO.