The Winter Olympics is over. But life doesn’t have to end now.
A phenomenon occurs within all of us after these games cease: excruciating sorrow. Nobody knows what I would give to see another skater hit the ice with her body, letting her entire country down and becoming a disgrace to her family.
Therefore, I propose the Spring Olympics, a time in which nations can meet together and perform meaningless tasks during a particular season to symbolize unity.
Like other events, the Spring Olympics has its own unique games for everyone to share.
Flower necklaces
This game rewards those who have quick and nimble wrists with a lot of attitude. Ten athletes raid the flowerbeds of ordinary citizens. They should pick the prettiest flowers available. But this is only the primary task of an extremely complex competition.
After gathering as many flowers as possible, the athletes should sit in a circle and pretend to respect each other; after all, winning is not everything. The athletes then create necklaces from the picked flowers. The person who makes the best necklace for a lobster wins.
The important question is how do we decide who made the best lobster necklace? Well, that’s why we have judges, objective people without home countries or hated foreign enemies. Most importantly, these judges are people who know the ultimate truth behind necklaces for lobsters.
Animal killing
If anyone ever needs to prove his natural ability to survive, shooting an animal with a high-powered weapon should silence any doubters.
Many of you are confused: “Why should hunting be a game in the Spring Olympics?” I can’t believe you would ask that question. First, this is not hunting. This is waiting in a fetal position to kill an animal with a gun. Second, guns are cool during any time of the year. I’ll let you think about that for a while.
The contest goes like this: 10 athletes build separate tree stands. They wait in these stands for animals to walk by. While the animals are feeding or having pleasant strolls in the forest, the contestants should shoot the animals and laugh secretly to themselves.
However, this is just the first part of the contest. After the animals die, the athletes must gather together in a building to brag about how good they are at waiting for stuff to happen. Bonus points will be awarded to those who exaggerate their stories in order to make their lives seem more exciting and primitive.
Pebble eating
Many of us have fond memories of spring pebbles, walking down trails to find those little rocks of joy and contentment. A game should exist to commemorate this familiar moment, or at least to attribute meaning to something useless.
Ten athletes gather at a trail with numerous pebbles. They should run toward the pebbles, pick them up and swallow pebbles until they die. The survivor is the winner because he’s smart for not competing. This competition will also be known as the “paradoxical game.”
Before you think the Spring Olympics is just a boring excuse to hand out medals, remember one thing: it’s not the awards that matter, but the people who come together to compete.
That’s why we don’t keep up with the amount of medals won by each country.