Happy New Year, fellow pupils. The time has come once again. Time to reflect, appreciate, learn and grow. Time to buy that new calendar with even cuter puppies than the previous year’s edition. Time to pretend you decided on that New Year’s resolution months ago, rather than as soon as the clock struck midnight 20 days ago.
Unlike any other year in history, 2011 took us on a remarkable and eventful trip around the sun, one that has moved us even closer to the end of times. At this point, it seems like less of a skeptical theory and more of a proven fact: the world will end Dec. 21. The real mystery lies in the days leading up to this ensuing apocalypse. Will these days be filled with anguish? Ecstasy? Heroism? Zombies? Probably, and hopefully, on all counts. In fact, I have had a vision I must share with you good, wholesome people.
Michael Jackson will be brought back to life. His resurrection will be at the request of Kim Yong-nam, eldest son of the late Kim Jong-il, former supreme leader of North Korea. Yong-nam, still scorned by his younger brother, Kim Jong-un, who was chosen as their father’s successor, will have commissioned a sect of ninjas to steal Jackson’s body from its resting place at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in the Hollywood Hills.
After successfully extracting the body from the United States it will be taken to a secret laboratory, not unlike the one in “Frankenstein,” on a secret island, not unlike the one in “Austin Powers,” off the coast of Antarctica where work will begin on bringing the King of Pop back from the dead.
After many failed attempts and a near fatal moonwalking accident, Michael Jackson will pass back into this world in the predawn hours of Feb. 26.
Only at this point will the rest of the world be alerted to Yong-nam’s plan. For years, he has been secretly collecting the bodies of dead stars like Kurt Kobain, Bernie Mac, Brittany Murphy, Amy Winehouse, Aaliyah “Left Eye” Lopez and, for some reason, Russell Brand (Koreans have weird taste in comedy) (Spoiler Alert!!! Brand dies in a tragic double-decker bus next week), and after resurrecting them, he will commence their training to be generals in his heavily-armed, dancing, flash-mob armies.
Once all seven generals have risen from their slumber, Yong-nam’s plan will be put into motion immediately. He will send one general, backed by a dance-happy group of Koreans, to each continent. They will captivate and decapitate every man, woman and child with their violently beautiful and oddly synchronized dance moves. With leaders like Jackson and Lopez, the world will never stand a chance. Even with the advances in weapon technology, no poor soul will be able to look away long enough to pull a trigger or press a button that could, at the least, stall the fleets.
It will take months for the be-bopping brigades, moving on foot, to cover each continent but, being so enthralled by the detailed coverage of the damaging dancers, most people won’t be able to look away from their televisions/iPhones/tablets/computers until it is just too late. Yong-nam will require certain people, mainly celebrities, be spared so he can have some friends after he wipes out 99 percent of Earth’s population (he loathed the Occupy Wall Street protests).
On Dec. 20, after aquiring all the nuclear weapons on the face of the planet and doing a little over three ounces of cocaine, Yong-nam will mistake the moon for an enormous meteor streaking toward earth and take aim. Since no one dare question him, the strikes will be carried out and the moon will explode incredibly and ferociously, not unlike the Death Star in Star Wars.
The ramifications will be immediate. The tides will be thrown out of sync, causing massive flooding across the globe. The recently resurrected Aaliyah “Left Eye” Lopez, will take advantage of the chaos, hastily boarding one of Yong-nam’s yachts. Along with a captive Kobain (for reproduction reasons), two crab-eating Macaques, three lions, the first season of “Community” on blu-ray, an earthworm and two baby elephants, Lopez will set sail. Godspeed, Left Eye.
Godspeed. May the wind be at your back.