The first thing I want to start with is a definition. A transgender, or trans individual is someone whose gender does not match the one assigned to them at birth. Before we go any further: no, your body parts and chromosomes do not determine your gender. Remove this notion from your head immediately.

Also, there are more than two genders. The gender binary is a Euro-Ameri-centric concept that does not exist in many cultures. India, for example, recognizes several genders. Someone could even identify as having no gender (agender). People who identify outside the gender binary are, very simply, non-binary transgender or have a non-binary gender. Less simply, there are many identities that fall under that umbrella term, but there is so much depth to that subject I cannot do it justice here. Gender itself is difficult to define, especially in a society where the gender binary is so strictly enforced — we heavily gender our soaps, clothes, etc. Non-sentient beings and inanimate objects cannot have a gender, no matter how much your Spanish professor insists the chair is a girl. This is because it takes a degree of self-awareness to determine your identity for yourself.  

Your identity is comprised of many things, including what kind of music you like. It is not limited to such things that some may inexplicably find controversial, such as gender and sexual orientation. Only you can decide what your identity really is.

That being said, the easiest way to not be a jerk to transgender people is to realize you do not get to dictate what someone else’s identity is. Actually, an easier step would be to realize all people are people, no matter what their identity. I could just leave you with that, but I feel it would be more helpful to give a few specifics on what I mean:

First, be respectful of a person’s proper pronouns. Most sources will call them “preferred” pronouns, but that implies respecting them is optional when it is not. For those of you who are not transgender (often called cis or cis-gender, from the chemistry term effectively meaning ‘on the same side’), please try to imagine everyone insisting on calling you by pronouns and using other gender language you do not identify with. Imagine someone calling you “Miss” or “Ma’am” when you are clearly a “Mister,” or calling you “Sir” when you are obviously a lady. Now imagine they will not stop no matter how many times you tell them. At first it may be mildly annoying, but after a while, the constant misgendering will likely cause you to become  depressed and despaired. No one is respecting you, after all. They aren’t even giving you the same considerations they give their enemies. Some of these people are your friends and family. They may even claim that you, the only one who can determine your identity, are confused and they know you better than you know yourself. That is the reality of far too many trans people.

Something sure to make people uncomfortable is asking whether they have had medical procedure A or B yet, if they plan to, or if the name they go by is their “real” name. Please refrain from doing this. Ever. You may think you are just being curious, but those questions are highly intrusive and just as bad as badgering a cisgender person about the state of their genitals. When in doubt, ask yourself “would I ask this question to a cisgender person?” If the answer is no, you should probably keep your curiosity to yourself.

Another note on the medical question, there are many reasons why a trans person may not want or can not get a certain procedure or treatment (including, for example, living in Mississippi). Not having had or not desiring this or that permanent body alteration does not make a person any less trans. It does not make their identity somehow less valid and certainly does not give anyone the authority to define them.Many trans people experience something called dysphoria, where having certain primary and/or secondary sex characteristics causes them distress — sometimes enough to make them do things like wearing excessive layers of clothing, putting off showering, or desperately trying to unsafely flatten their breasts.

Gender is a confusing, fluid and messy thing. Some people may go through several different identities trying to figure out which one fits best. They may ask for different pronouns for a while and then change their mind later. Having this happen does not inherently mean they seek attention. It means they are going through a period of self-discovery and certainly does not make them less worthy of your respect.

A  simple way to not potentially offend or harm someone is to ask someone’s pronouns when you meet them and not assume someone’s gender based on how they look. Use singular “they” until you can be sure. You already use it in everyday speech. For example, I have used singular “they” in every reference to a person of unknown gender in this article.

I hope this has been informative on a topic not often discussed outside certain circles. I encourage you to do your own research as this article could not cover the breadth of the topic.