Resident undeclared dimwit probably named Kyle is sitting in my study spot again. 

I was in the Einstein Bros. Bagel line getting my usual dinner of whole white milk and a pepperoni pizza bagel when a disturbing shift in the natural order of things made my hairs stand on end. Babies began crying. The tides rose to meet my feet. Gas prices soared to $100.99 a gallon. I knew something was amiss. 

As fast as greased lightning, or perhaps just regular lightning, I began my mad dash to the first floor level of Mitchell Memorial Library. Within this hallowed sanctum lay the finest space for intellectual thought known to man. Affectionately adorned with intricate carvings spelling “Nate was here 2015 ΔΧ,” my throne had been stolen by this fool in cargo shorts.

He was not even studying. He’s sitting there … coloring? He had colored pencils out and he is coloring in his Intro to Geology lab book. Dude, you could have done that at home. How much focus does one college student need to color in their lab book and still get outside the lines? 

If Kyle had been paying any attention, he would notice how he does not fit perfectly into the chair’s seat indention like I do. That is my God-given study spot, and I will not stand for this, figuratively or literally. 

After politely explaining the severity of Kyle’s faux pas to him, he started laughing. This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I quickly retorted that it is not funny and that if he thinks so, I will just call my dad so he can come beat him up. My dad would totally win that fight, just saying. 

Unperturbed, Kyle stood (sat) strong in his resolve against me. All of his colored pencils were reduced to nubs as he stared deep into my being and continued to color his picture.

I must sojourn from my beloved study spot, hopeful for a new day that may never come. I guess I will just go sit next to that kid on the second floor who likes to breathe out of his mouth.

Editor’s note: April fools! All details, facts and figures in this Ye Deflector article were fabricated. Check back on Wednesday for your regularly scheduled content.