I, like any other American woman, have at one point purchased a women’s magazine from the drugstore. Whether it’s to peruse at the beach, read on a plane or perhaps just bought on an impulse, I have been fortunate enough to familiarize myself with a wide variety of magazines, from classics such as “Vanity Fair” and “Vogue,” to “Glamour” and “Cosmopolitan,” supplemented with the occasional “InStyle” or “NYLON,” and every single one of these publications is incredibly stupid.
     Let’s take a gander at some of these headlines: “Decoding His Text: I’m Excited,” “BREAKING: Kim Kardashian’s Hair Looks Different” and my personal favorite, “I Used Pizza as a Sex Toy.” These articles are of vital importance to everyone, especially the one about Kardashian’s hair, as well as the one that will undoubtedly ruin pizza for the remainder of my days.
    Obviously, all of those headlines were pulled from the “Cosmopolitan” and “Glamour” websites, Cosmo being the worst offender with a glut of articles dealing with “sexy” hair, “sexy” makeup and pretty much “sexy” (insert noun). Anyone who has ever read a women’s magazine knows that roughly 90 percent of the article is redundant tips and tricks on how to dress to impress, snag, seduce, enchant, amaze or (insert verb) your man. I’m fairly certain Cosmo has recycled the same headlines for the past 10 years or so, and merely replaced the numbers and seasons, from say, “76 Sexy Summer Hair Tips” to “432 Sexy Fall Hair Tips.”
  “InStyle,” “Nylon,” “Vogue” and “Vanity Fair” aren’t even close in atrociousness when compared to the likes of Cosmo — their main offense lies in being repetitive and, frankly, rather boring. Still, all of these publications have at one point published articles that seem to assume that the reader is A) an idiot and B) completely obsessed with showering attention on her man/completely obsessed with obtaining a man to shower attention upon. This seems to be, at the least, patronizing and, at the worst, insulting.
    This is not to disparage the articles that contain snappy outfit combinations, celebrity interviews and other interesting tidbits (like your horoscope — how enlightening!). However, there is an issue with so many of these magazines devoting so much space to relationship advice, most of which is hidden under the guise of “self-improvement” but mainly serves to inform the reader of the 5,602 ways her hair caused her boyfriend to cheat on her with his co-worker. Add to this that many times advice that is given in articles seems to make the assumption that the reader has the intelligence of a twice-baked potato. Here’s a piece of actual advice given by “Cosmo” from the article “18 Signs You’re With the Man You Should Marry: He makes sacrifices for you — and you’re happy to do the same for him.” This is not groundbreaking advice. This is — I’m making an assumption here — something that nearly everyone knows about any relationship, not just a romantic one. Relationships are built upon the assumption of give and take but, you know, with love and stuff.
   It’s not that women’s magazines are malicious. It’s more like they are just dumb. Sure, there are glossy pictures of photoshopped celebrities, as well as large printed photos of a variety of clothing that an average person couldn’t afford without taking out several more student loans, but mostly they are full of vapid articles that look like they are meant to just fill up space. Purchase for the pictures, but instead of wasting time with the “advice,” you’d be better off reading a book. Yes, even if that book is by Nicholas Sparks.