Q: I have been hiding something from my girlfriend for a couple of months. Before we got together, I had a brief encounter with one of her friends. But I didn’t know it was my girlfriend’s friend until later. It’s been awkward being around the friend, and even though we agreed not to tell my girl about the whole situation, I’m afraid that she’s going to find out somehow. I don’t want her to get hurt, but it looks like I’m screwed either way on this one. So should I tell my girlfriend that I have messed around with her friend or just keep it to myself and hope for the best?
A: First of all, this “brief encounter” needs some clarification. The more details the better: the how, what, where and when are essential for me to put all the pieces together in my mind, and also make for good reading. For the sake of a timely reply, I’ll assume carnal knowledge was involved.
Let’s consider the potential consequences to the two choices you have here. First, what if you hid the truth? Consider that you’re already dealing with awkwardness and anxiety about this dirty little secret. It’s safe to say that will follow you as long as this relationship continues. One day, God forbid, your girlfriend may even get far enough inside your head to convince you that marriage really isn’t all that bad, and in that case the stakes will be a lot higher here.
So if you keep the secret from her, the best case scenario is you will live life with a load on your mind, unless you find a way to tune Mr. Jiminy Cricket out. But that’s only if you successfully conceal the secret. Realistically, there are several individuals who are already in on the secret, and they’re probably females. Women don’t need alcohol to start the secret swapping, so you definitely can’t rule out someone else from squealing. If you think sharing this with your girlfriend will be bad, just imagine how bad it would be coming from someone else.
On the flipside, how bad could it be to tell her? If this is really bothering you, chances are, you and your girlfriend have good communication and trust each other. Whether it drastically affects the relationship, it will speak volumes for your character. If she takes it badly and leaves you, there’s definitely more understanding and forgiving girls out there.
Personally, I don’t think she can hold it against you. You had no way of knowing the girl would turn out to be a friend of a future girlfriend. Unless you’ve been telling your girlfriend all along that you’re a virgin-in which case you really are just screwed-sitting her down and calmly filling her in would be the best choice.
Timing will be a key consideration; don’t get her at a time when she’s already stressed or down, but don’t forfeit any good headboard knocking action either. Make sure she knows it bothered you keeping this from her, and assure her you want to be a trustworthy companion.
If you break the news, she may need time to think about it, so give her some space if that’s what you choose to do. Also, before you take action, make sure you give her friend a heads up so she won’t be left looking like a liar if your girlfriend confronts her afterward. Who knows? Maybe some real good will come of this, and your girlfriend had a three way in mind all along.
Your decision should be based on how serious you are about this girl. It’s evident from your question that you care for her a good deal. Good luck with whatever you decide, and remember if you ever consider shacking up with a girl again, make sure that you don’t know what friend of hers you might date later on.