Driving video games are back in style! I used to love racing games when I was younger, but apparently there is a new trend. Instead of a boring race, the player has either stolen a car or killed someone. The object is to get away from the police! (Does it worry you that the kids playing these games will be driving in a few years? But that’s another article.) I have designed my own game that will revolutionize the industry. The title: “Starkville Driving-The Game.”
It will be the ultimate driving game for every video game system. The object will not be to win a race or evade the police. Rather, you will have the following goals: survival (for obvious reasons), not wrecking (as getting your car fixed in Starkville costs an arm and a leg or your firstborn child) and getting to class or work on time (good luck).
Here’s a sneak preview for you before it hits the markets:
Level 1: You will have to drive in a computer-generated Starkville during the mysterious 3:30 p.m. rush hour. But watch out for the other drivers! None of the other drivers know how to use turn signals. They slam on their brakes and make hairpin turns without the slightest bit of warning, leaving you slamming your brake pedal through the bottom of the car trying to stop in time to avoid wrecking and possibly dying.
Furthermore, the other drivers are doing ridiculously dangerous things that make them even more hazardous. There are drivers on the road juggling a cell phone and a Big Mac while driving with their knees!
Level 2: You will be on the MSU campus, desperately trying to get to class on time. You still have to watch out for the drivers of the first level, but there are three new obstacles to face.
The MIO (Men in Orange, slogan: The last, best defense against students getting to class on time) are digging holes in the roads and sidewalks and placing dozens of orange cones in your way. And before you ask, (as though the newspaper could answer you) I don’t know why. And yes, that is the same spot they dug up and replaced a week and a half ago, but you don’t have time to worry about that. You have to dodge the MIO, if possible, or wait for them to realize there is a line of 117 cars waiting to be allowed to pass.
Should you pass the holes and cones, you will then face the terror of slow-moving, carefree pedestrians in the middle of the crosswalk! Occasionally, there is a pedestrian wandering around in the middle of the road with no crosswalk in sight. Despite popular belief, the player is NOT allowed to run them down.
You have to find a parking spot. At this point, just give up and drive your digitized car home. There aren’t any.
I won’t go into great detail about the next level. It involves driving to and from campus on a game day. The big dangers here are road rage and several dozen barriers placed by the police that force you to go around in a circle. Also, when leaving campus, half of the other drivers are furious because their team lost, and the other half are insanely happy because their team won. This is a tough level!
I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but there is also a bonus level involving Malfunction Junction. The video game companies allowed me to add this impossible bonus level because they know Malfunction Junction will eventually drive players to destroy their video game consoles in frustration and have to buy new ones.
Maybe this game will scare the kids playing the car-stealing, police-dodging games to wait awhile before getting their licenses.
Heath Fowler is a senior communication major.