Since fourth grade, Halloween has just been an excuse for my family to buy candy, most of which doesn’t make it into the hands of trick-or-treaters, I’m afraid. While I don’t get any trick-or-treaters living on campus, I still usually find an excuse for binging on sweets.
Eating candy is usually all I do on Halloween, but lately I’ve been going through the annual thinking-about-maybe-wearing-a-costume phase, which never really materializes.
All the young people do it. I want to be cool and fit in, but I don’t have stashes of dollars saved up for luxuries like masks, costumes and face paint, even from Walmart.
As it turns out, I’m not the only one finding myself in this situation. According to The Coloradoan (Fort Collins, Colo.), college students are leaning toward crafting their own costumes this year. Nationally, Americans spend an average of $56.31 for the holiday, about $10 less than usual. I don’t even intend to spend $20 on Halloween.
And I would never be the one to buy fabrics and try to craft my own costume. I’m looking for the real cheapo ideas. I’ve come up with the following.
1. Kanye West: My brother suggested this one to me. It’s pretty easy. Wear sunglasses, carry around a beer and a microphone and cry every time you talk about your mother.
2. Balloon boy: Another idea from my brother. All you really have to do for this one is carry a paper bag or trash bag above your head and walk around in a cardboard box, although you can actually buy elaborate costumes for this from microflight.com, unfortunately. You could also carry around a tray with something that looks like vomit in it. This is a little insensitive and sadistic, but it’s Halloween.
3. Tape random objects from your apartment to your body and call yourself Lady Gaga. It wouldn’t hurt to break out with the robot dance at completely random moments.
4. Walk around holding your privates and say you’re whoever your favorite hip-hop artist is. Michael Jackson fits this one well, but childish, entertainment-obsessed college students might be offended by it.
5. Edward Cullen, the “Twilight” vampire: Conceited, baby-faced white kids don’t even have to do anything for this one.
6. Every time someone says something to you, scream back at them and say, “You lie!” Then apologize to them and say you’re South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson. You don’t even have to wear anything for this one if you don’t want to.
7. Rush Limbaugh: All you’d have to do is carry a bunch of pills and spread blatant lies and exaggerations with a really loud voice. Tell everybody about the latest forwarded political e-mail you received without bothering to fact check it.
8. Bill Maher: Put on your best cynical face and tell everyone around you their religious beliefs are stupid and you’re smarter than them. Also talk about being stoned.
9. Carry around a tissue, sneeze every once in a while and tell everyone you’re a swine flu victim. That’s pretty scary.
10. Say the word “amazing” in every sentence and call yourself Dick Vitale.
There, that’s a good round 10, and you don’t even have to dress up at all for most of them.
I’m sure the massive collection of my fans can think of even better ideas. I’m just getting started.
Matt Watson is a graduate student majoring in Spanish. He can be contacted at [email protected].