So you want to have a one night stand?
There’s no shame in it. The one night stand is a tradition as engrained in the college experience as all-nighters or hangovers. Sometimes, all three traditions coincide.
I’m happy for you. You’re shunning cultural expectations of sentimental attachment. You’re risking your reputation, throwing caution to the wind and liberating yourself from the repression of cultural norms. And you’re going to get laid!
The problem with one night stands is the stigma attached to the term itself. To alleviate this issue, I’ve come up with a list of alternative names for the occasion. Feel free to use these as you wish.
• Evening adventures
• Random rendezvous
• The nocturnal nudge
• Waltz of the witching hour
• Bedtime boogie down
• Mystery midnight meeting
• Touch-and-go
• Picking up a few things at the B-Quik
•Watching “True Blood” on mute
With safe words like those, you’re free to discuss your iffy indiscretions anywhere you may please, from McDonald’s to McCool.
The art of the one night stand isn’t hard to master, but the event entails certain etiquette. There are rules. In embarking on your evening of enterprise, you and your partner of choice enter into a standing agreement that only stands for one night. The circumstances vary from night to night, partner to partner, but like a theatrical production, the format remains constant. I give you: The One Night Stand: A Play in Three Acts
First, the invitation. Picture this: It’s 1 a.m., and the bar’s lights come on, flooding the musky room with inebriated groaning and fluorescent possibility. The hottie/cutie/studmuffin/MILF/lil’mama/acceptable sex partner/etc. you’ve been chatting up all night passes you a knowing glance as you both pay your bar tabs (tipping the bartender generously, for he or she has just played a vital role in your night’s plan).
This moment is known as “the bid.” In this make-it-or-break-it moment, each of you have a decision to make. You slyly nod and the two of you make your way out the door together, stumbling into a night of impish possibility. A question of etiquette arises: which house will you travel to for your perilous deeds? In traditional society, the male’s house is the preferable destination. However, in modern culture, the female’s house is favored as she typically keeps a cleaner home. An offer will often be made, and the two of you should discuss pros and cons of each housing situation.
As you reach your destination, and a bedroom door closes, so falls the curtain on the first act. The audience waits with baited breath. (Just kidding, there’s no audience. Unless you’re into some really freaky stuff, in which case, good for you. I think.)
As the curtain opens on the second act, we find the two of you awkwardly engaging in some variety of small talk. “What’s your major?” and “Where are you from?” become popular conversation starters. The play lulls. It is important to remember why the two of you have been brought together on this least holy of nights. Your fates were intertwined so that your bodies might be, so get to it!
In a late night situation such as this, minimum conversation is necessary. There was plenty of time for that sort of exposition at the bar or house party in which this night began. Once a bed is in sight, it’s business time.
During an occasion such as this, as with all sexual encounters, it is crucial to remember protection. As enjoyable as the evening becomes, it isn’t worth the risk of an STD or a baby. While this event has potential to develop into more than just one night, you probably don’t want to spend the next nine months (and then the rest of your life) deciding whether you really like this person. Use a condom. Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re sexually active, you should all keep condoms at your place of residence. (For the record, this column is not to be held accountable for any conceptions. I warned you!)
One night stands span the sexual spectrum from awful to awesome. Such a fling can result in an evening of sloppy and dysfunctional missteps or a memorable and pleasurable grindfest. (Feel free to borrow that word if you’d like.)
There is an inverse relationship between quality of sex during a one night stand and the amount of memories surrounding it. When a one night stand goes well, you might or might not remember it. You’ll think of it fondly when the memory creeps up at the mention of that person’s name or during a particularly rousing scene in a Darren Aronofsky film. When a one night stand goes badly, you will never forget it, though you will dedicate countless hours attempting to rid it from your memory. Good luck.
After both players in the act have reached the play’s climax, the second act closes with sweaty diminuendo.
The most crucial part of the evening takes place the following morning. As a sobering dawn encroaches, decisions wait to be made. Certain decorum must be met in this illuminated morning. If one partner requests a ride home, the other must abide. While the offer of the use of the shower should be made, the offer of breakfast isn’t necessary. Breakfast is a little too serious for this fortuitous fling.
For the future of this chance encounter, one must read the signs. While one night stands have and do develop into more, it’s rare. Plus, that isn’t why you embarked upon this mission. Feel free to go your separate ways, like two intersecting lines, destined to never cross paths again. As the two of you split, the curtain closes on this third and final act. Feel free to privately review each player’s performance, as this show was in town for one night only.
The one night stand is an art, a craft and a way of life. Sex is a natural human desire, and the one night stand is an efficient and enjoyable way to meet that need without the emotional baggage of a relationship.
One night stands aren’t for everyone. To those who don’t participate, more power to you! Relationships are hard and they take work, but from what I’ve gathered, they tend to be worth it. For those of you treading the waters out here with me, go for it! Have fun, be safe and remember if you have a dog or cat, keep them out of the room because that’s creepy. Good luck!
 Rachel Perkins is a senior majoring in English. She can be contacted at opinion@reflector.msstate.edu.