Hey, ladies. I’ve just heard groundbreaking news from an upperclassman friend of mine: A new classmate of hers informed the class at the start of the school year all college girls should invest in some Comfort Colors shirts in order to fit in.
I’m so glad she shared this news with the impressionable freshmen because if not for this gem of information, the campus community might have been able to tell them apart and distinguish them as individuals. I don’t know if she mentioned this part, but you are going to need to get those shirts in a bigger size, girls. In order to know what size, use this simple two-step system worldly scholars have developed for your convenience:
1. Take your weight (your actual weight, not what you tell the lady at the DMV so you can forever have 110 lbs. stamped on your driver’s license) and multiply it by 2.5.
2. Now you have your virtual sorority girl weight. When shopping for your new garb, pretend like you weigh that much. And leave a little extra room in case you want to get crazy and eat a cupcake.
I know some of you may read fashion magazines and articles about the cut of clothes and how they flatter the human figure.
Most of these observe wearing large, oversized garments actually make you appear bigger rather than smaller. In order to bypass this unfortunate side effect, you may want to cinch your top with a belt around the natural waist. However, if others are not doing the same, do not put on the belt. I repeat: if you do not see the other Comfort Color critters wearing belts, do not do so. Reserve your actual, presentable clothing for nighttime events only. And even then, consider carefully the situation for which you are putting on real pants. Symphony concert? I don’t think people even dress beyond pajama-like clothes for those. Late night at the bar? Now we’re talking. Get those stilettos out and hit the town because there will be people there who are worth impressing. I mean, dressing for class isn’t really beneficial to you. Sure, you’re here to get an education and all, but you could learn naked, hypothetically. I guess your teachers are getting to know you and may judge you on how you present yourself to the world, but they know you care on the inside.
Of course, I can’t carry this article satirically the whole way through. It hurts my fashion-focused mind too much, almost as much as it hurt my eyes for three years to watch hundreds of females not care about their attire every day. Appearances matter, people.
If my teachers came to class dressed in Nike running shorts and oversized T-shirts, I would feel like I wasn’t worth the effort. I would especially be confused seeing a man in Nike running shorts. Regardless, they don’t dress this way.
They dress professionally; if we as college students want to be treated as young professionals, we first have to dress like adults. Long quotes are sometimes boring and superfluous, but Clinton Kelly from TLC’s “What Not to Wear” eloquently stated in an NPR interview why style is important:
“This is about coming to terms with the body that you have right now, and dressing it the best that you possibly can, so that you are treated with the utmost respect. And I think that’s really what it boils down to. How you dress tells the rest of the world how you expect to be treated. And I hope that you expect to be treated with some level of respect.
When you cover yourself in a hoodie and an oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants and a cross-training sneaker, that’s not telling the rest of the world that you feel good about yourself. That’s saying that you want to hide from the rest of the world and you’re saying, please ignore me.”
Learn how to express yourself as an individual and set yourself apart. You owe it to yourself and your future.