From what I’ve gathered in my extensive basketball research for this article (I watched “Like Mike” and the “Scooby Doo” episode with the Harlem Globetrotters), a rebound is when one really tall person gets the ball after another really tall person missed the basket. Then they do something with it. I’m not sure. Something about defense? Whatever. I don’t write for the sports section.
In relationship world (a very scary place only recently discovered by NASA to be inhabitable), rebounds are something very different. A rebound in relationship world is the first person you get with after a breakup.
Okay, I just remembered this is 2012 and I have the Internet. Time to learn stuff I will forget by tomorrow! I just looked it up, and there are two types of rebounds in basketball, according to Wikipedia. In relationship world, there are four types of rebounds.
The first type of rebound is known as the “Emotional Rebound.” This one’s a doozy. In an emotional rebound, you’re feeling a lot of pain. Somewhere between the cookie dough and the “Dirty Dancing,” you find someone to hook up with. Now, read this carefully because I don’t know if you’ll get to see me write this again: DO NOT HAVE SEX. In your volatile state, you’re in no condition to be swapping any sort of bodily fluids because, trust me, all you’re going to end up adding to this equation is tears. Have you ever cried during sex? It’s really weird and it’s a total boner kill. Plus, if you get it on with someone before you’re emotionally ready, chances are you’re going to develop this weird clingy thing and you’re just going to hate it, but you won’t be able to stop yourself! To avoid the emotional rebound, make sure you’re dealing with your feelings properly. Watch the Jim and Pam wedding episode of “The Office” and cry it out. You’ll be better soon.
The second type of rebound is the “Drunk Rebound.” While probably the most common type of rebound, this is also the most deadly. Sometimes in life, tequila tells you to do things. You probably shouldn’t listen to tequila, though, trust me. The goal of any breakup should be to avoid doing anything that will land you in either the hospital or jail. After a breakup, though, try and limit your drinking. If not, risk waking up somewhere weird and the inevitable walk of shame. (Though I prefer to call it “The Stride of Pride” or “The Swag Saunter.”) Plus, when you’re slizzard, you’re much less likely to use protection. Just yesterday you didn’t even know this person and now you could be having a child with them! Bad news, dudes. Sober up or just get drunk with a bunch of people who aren’t sexually attracted to your gender! Bam! Positive life choices.
The third type of rebound is the “Low Blow Rebound.” This is when you sleep with your ex’s best friend. Just don’t do this. On that note, if your best friend breaks up with someone, don’t sleep with that person. Come on, folks. This is why we created those “Bro Codes” and “Woman Laws,” and this is also why we created this thing called “Being a Decent Human Being.” If you find yourself in this situation, try to handle it honestly and carefully. Or leave town. Mexico’s nice this time of year.
The last type of rebound is the “Auto Rebound.” This one’s especially dangerous territory. An auto rebound is when you hookup with your ex again. This can go one of two ways. The first way plays like a romantic comedy. You wake up in each other’s arms, and silently stare into each other’s eyes before you both, in tandem, silently whisper “I’m sorry.” Then you laugh wildly, go at it again, make some sandwiches, and the scene ends as you both dance off into the sunset to some Counting Crows song. The second, and more likely, route plays like this. One of you wakes up first with the taste of rum and regret in your mouth. You’ll be forced to engage in some sort of discussion about, “So what does this mean? Where are we? What are we?” If you can make it through that without vomiting, you’ll have a decision to make. Maybe the two of you will try and make it work again. You’ll keep hooking up in this weird alternate universe of stale feelings and hollow sex. Eventually, you’ll start to bother each other again. Feelings will creep in and you’ll remember why you broke up in the first place. Either that or you’ll actually make it work and maybe you’ll get married and have kids and live happily ever after in Disney World, and you’ll live forever. But let’s be real. Only I get that future.
The moral of the story is rebounds are pretty much bad news. Having been both the rebound and the rebounder, either way you’re in for some icky emotions. After a breakup, take some time off. You’ll know when you’re over someone and ready to get under someone else, but in the meantime, don’t hurt yourself or another person. When you’re ready, it will be a slam dunk! Maybe. I still don’t really know how to use these basketball metaphors, but you know what I mean. Touchdown!