Since the cutest boy in school called me “an ugly wannabe” in the second grade, I’ve spent half of my life worrying about what men might think of me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m relatively independent. I’m doing just fine. I still get down about it, though.
I just don’t know where to draw the line between a healthy nurturing of myself and my human need and desire to give to, care for, love, kiss and touch everyone in sight. This is why I have a hard time and why I generally avoid relationships. I can never get past my ever-present and overwhelming fear of inauthenticity. Is everyone just settling? Is everyone just happier than me. Are their standards lower than mine, or am I a bitter cynic destined to die alone? Is anything genuine, or are we all just using each other?
I’ve written about sex very casually before, but I’ve also expressed how seriously I do take the subject and the act. I take it seriously because I know sex between two people who care about each other is an immensely visceral manifestation of our human abilities to connect and understand one another. I will endlessly support your right to a myriad of shame-free one night stands, and I firmly believe sex can occur without emotional attachment.
It’s all about honesty, though. Between two consenting adults, unattached sex can occur, and it can be really good. Both parties need to be upfront about the situation. If not, you risk one person feeling used.
Feeling used hurts like hell. It’s like someone crumpled your entire body into a ball and tossed it in a bottomless trash can. It’s like your lungs are filled with bricks. It makes you feel impossibly heavy and somehow invisible, all at once. You spend your time staring blankly at walls because nothing in the world can matter when you don’t matter to someone who matters to you.
Since the second grade, I swear I’ve spent half of my life in a state of heartbreak. Maybe this is what it means to be a human, but it shouldn’t. There should be rules against breaking someone’s heart. A person simply shouldn’t be allowed to say “I love you” to another person when they don’t mean it.
But how can I judge whether someone means it or not? I can never truly feel what another person is feeling, and that’s a very jarring and isolating reality. Still, I worry. I worry that we’re all either single to avoid being hurt or staying in a relationship for the same reason.
The fact is, none of us have a clue what we’re doing. I’m still trying to figure out how taxes work. I should not be trusted with the emotional well-being of another human. Just a few short years ago, we were children. We’re emotional beings attempting to make decisions and form relationships. We’re going to break each other’s hearts.
We’re also going to save each other. Youth might be our only excuse, but it doesn’t count. How long can we cling to youth’s blissful naiveté before we must be held accountable? At our most fundamental, we’re animals and we shouldn’t forget that. We have instincts, urges and desires. More importantly though, we’re humans. Every person you encounter has just as many feelings as you, maybe more, maybe less.
Let’s all do our best because it’s all we can do. Try not to use another person. This means being honest. Do your best to avoid being used. Take pride in yourself and invest in your own being. Cling to your sense of autonomy.
And never settle. If you’re not sure why you’re with someone, put time into that confusion. Be alone for some moments and evaluate the situation. If you’re just with someone until someone else comes around, chances are you’re going to hurt the person you’re with. It’s easy to settle in a small town. It’s easy to be hurt, too. There’s very little to distract us from the turbulence of our rapidly changing emotions. Mississippi summer’s settling in though, and the heat will overwhelm you. Don’t let someone else do the same. Have enough pride in yourself not to settle for anything or anyone.
You exist mostly in your mind. Your body is there, and others have opinions of you, but your sense of self is pure to you and only you. Cherish it. If someone uses it, if someone tosses it away, if someone calls it an “ugly wannabe,” don’t give up. Remember your worth because it’s vast, I promise. Remember this feeling, and make deliberate attempts to never put anyone else through a similar pain.
Like I said, we’re young. We’re going to screw around, and we’re going to screw up. It isn’t okay, but it will be. Let’s all keep making a go at it. Maybe we’ll figure out what the hell we’re doing one day, but until then, let’s do our best to leave as little damage in our wake as possible. Be honest with each other. Be careful with others and be careful with yourself. No one needs to settle, and no one deserves to feel used. You deserve good sex, pleasant mornings and the ego of a Kardashian. I want the best for you, and I’m in the same boat as you. We’ll just keep on trying. Take risks. YOLO, right? Be good. Do good. Your heart is incredibly silly, but it deserves the best. I promise.