I hope with all my moody little heart that some of you have enjoyed my work in this column. I have tried with the best of my abilities and intentions to write in an entertaining way on a subject I find extremely relevant, and I have really enjoyed the process. Here in my final column, I leave you with some Do’s and Don’t’s of sex and relationships.
Do: Think for yourself.
I think about sex all the time, and not in a weird “reading magazines in my mom’s basement” sort of way. Writing this column challenged me to think about the subject even more, and I feel I’ve grown because of it. Decide for yourself how you feel about sex. Make your own decisions. No one else has to live with your consequences, so don’t let them make your choices. Remember what Lady Gaga taught us – sometimes being a huge freak could make you a millionaire, so go for it!
Don’t: Give into shame.
Don’t let jerks make you feel like crap. Don’t be a jerk and make anyone else feel like crap. Have enough respect for your fellow humans to respect their abilities to make decisions about their bodies and lives. In the end, all we have is each other and the choices we’ve made. (And tacos.) Let’s be proud of our choices and each other. (And let’s, as a society, eat more tacos.)
Do: Figure out what works for your body.
Figure out what gets you off and then do that, like, all the time. Life is like a box of chocolates – every single part of it should be really freaking delicious. Don’t settle for off brand when you can have the real thing. Get you some Oreos, thank me later. (Oreos = orgasms. I love both.)
Don’t: Be stupid.
Use condoms. Use birth control. Use your brains. How many times do I have to say this before you all stop being so pregnant all the time?
Do: Look out for each other.
Friendships are relationships, too. Most of what I know about life, sex and cooking I’ve learned from my friends. Life is like that. You would not be the person you are today without the combined efforts of every human you’ve ever encountered. Listen to them, hug them and look out for them.
Do: Have a sense of a humor.
Sex is awesome, but let’s be honest – it’s awkward. The thing is, I love awkward. The best sex happens when both people aren’t afraid to acknowledge something uncomfortable. Acknowledging the weirdness will allow the two of you to become closer. For example, think about the faces people make during sex. That’s hilarious. When men finish, they make the silliest faces. It’s this weird combination of surprise and self-congratulation. It’s like, “Whoa! I did it again! Go me!”
Don’t: Freak out.
Life is short. (Duh, Rachel.) It’s also really long. (Again, duh. Who lets you write these things anyway, Rachel?) We have a limited amount of time to fall in love and have amazing sex and write terrible poetry about it. We are also lucky enough to get to fall in love a whole bunch and have a whole bunch of amazing sex and write a whole bunch of terrible poetry. Don’t get bogged down by the enormity of it all. After all, Jack and Rose were only together for, like, a day and “Titanic” is the greatest love story ever told. Go for it. Find the person you would jump for, but the odds are, there’s more than one person out there who would jump for you. Live life like one of those French girls. (And by that I mean naked.) 
I hope you all find success in future endeavors of sex, relationships and crossword puzzles. I hope you embrace life with the excitement of a tween. I hope anxiety isn’t the only thing keeping you up all night in the next couple of weeks. I wish you all a lifetime of good nights and better mornings. If you need me, I’ll be in bed (cradling my English degree and crying, just a little). Remember to thank your parents for having sex so you can exist. Remember to have fun. Remember you’re the best. Remember other people have a lot of feelings, too. Remember we’re young. Remember we won’t be forever. Remember the Titans. Remember how it felt to be nervous and ready like this. Be good, do your best and love hard. I’ll catch you on the flip side.