Unless you’re a hermit or cannot be bothered by current events because they get you down, it’s a safe assumption that most of you have your own ideas about what needs to be fixed in America. Some say education, the environment or the economy. Some even say it’s athletes and steroid abuse.
And then there’s a large crowd chanting the phrase of the hour-sanctity of marriage. Actually, they are doing more than chanting. They’ve proposed an idea to stop the erosion of one of our nation’s most sacred institution-by banning same-sex marriages with a constitutional amendment.
Apparently, it’s homosexuals who want to marry that are destroying the sanctity of marriage.
Now I’m sure supporters of this ban have their hearts in the right place. And I could support protecting the sanctity of marriage, if only the ban wasn’t so limited. So I suggest a few more ideas that President Bush and others have accidentally left out.
If you want to make sure marriage stays pure and true, then how can you allow reality TV to destroy and mock it for monetary gain? That’s why my “Sanctity of Marriage Act” would include a clause stipulating that all reality shows showing marriage in a bad light should be cancelled.
ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” would get the ax since they portray marriage as something one does after a few weeks of making out with 25 complete strangers. After carefully calculated dismissals and phony tears, the “lucky” couple stands waiting to proclaim their love in front of a national audience, but only during a ratings sweep. And that’s if they make it. Sure, Trisha and Ryan managed to walk down the aisle, but I think that two fame-obsessed people deserve one another, don’t you?
And let us not forget the granddaddy of all marriage-ridiculing networks. Shame on you Fox for giving us “Joe Millionaire” and the one that started it all, “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?”
I watched in horror as you mocked marriage, claiming that somehow money can influence a person’s decision to wed. What self-respecting person would marry someone for money? Well, Fox sure tried to make us believe that people would marry only for money. The network used the promise of untold wealth to jeer at the sanctity of marriage.
And note to Darva Conger-part of my new legislation would make it illegal for anyone to marry you again. Never again shall you be allowed to laugh in the hallowed halls that are the institution of marriage. For shame!
Other conditions in my groundbreaking law would create a Matrimony Boot Camp. Marriage is a sacred commitment between two people, and divorce rates are just tearing the sanctity of marriage apart. To lower those rates, I propose we mandate that every prospective couple be forced to go through an intensive eight-week training course. Many will enter, but only the few, the strong and the perfectly matched will make it through to the wedding day.
Other proposals include making Elizabeth Taylor the Public Enemy No. 1. Anna Nicole Smith is Public Enemy No. 2. Taylor has had more than her share of husbands, ending most of her eight marriages in divorce. You tell me how that has helped the sanctity of marriage. And Smith married for money, despite what you might think. That was nothing less than a slap in the face of marriage. It’s outrageous.
Sound harsh? Well, I was taught that if you’re going to do something, then do it all the way. And if you’re going to make a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage, then let’s go all the way and make sure that no one, gay or straight, be allowed to destroy it.
Or we could stop fooling ourselves into thinking that the sanctity of marriage will ever be threatened when two individuals who love each other want to declare that love to society. What good can really come of any legislation that prohibits any two citizens from exercising their rights to declare their love? None.
As for the sanctity of marriage argument, I’m sick of hearing about it. People throw around those words without even thinking about the true meaning of marriage. In this article alone, I’ve used the phrase 10 times already. Odds are, you’ll hear it more than that if you watched a news show on television for a few minutes.
I hope, you’ve gathered by now that I’m not really in favor of those amendments. Actually, the reality show one sounds nice.
In truth, if people truly wanted to protect marriage they would extend the right to wed to same-sex couples. The sanctity of marriage will be protected so long as people enter into the agreement for the right reasons. I can’t think of any better reason to want to marry than love. And no one, not even the government, can tell you who you can or cannot love.
America has its problems. Same-sex unions are not one of them. And come to think of it, neither is steroid abuse in professional sports, but that’s another article completely.
Dustin Barnes is a junior communication and French major. He can be reached at [email protected].