Soon, a handful of eligible voters will truck to the polls and elect a new U.S. representative for our newly-formed congressional district. The Republican nominee is Chip Pickering, who has a great head of hair and an easy smile-important qualifications for a candidate these days. It’s what some have dubbed the “Kennedy Factor.” The other candidate is Ronnie Shows, a man who is trying his best to convince the people of this district that despite his affiliation with the Democratic Party, he is actually a Bible-belt conservative trying to reform the organization from the inside. Given that the two men are ideologically similar, one word aptly describes this race: YAWN!
With that in mind, I would like to announce my candidacy for the U.S. House of Representatives. Some of you may be thinking, “Wait a minute Odom, you can’t just announce your candidacy like that-there are fees to pay, forms to sign and procedures to follow.” To those detractors, I say this is a sarcastic piece filled with subtle commentary on our political system and society. You should relax.
Every good politician needs a platform. So here’s mine.
All debates in Congress will be settled by fistfights. Enough with the endless debates and mind-numbing speeches. I can see it now. A Congressman stands up and says, “The gentleman from Iowa will shut his mouth about how he doesn’t like my farm bill or I’ll come down there and pop him in the mouth.” To which the gentleman from Iowa responds, “Bring it, shorty. I’ll kick you in the teeth, and slap you around in front of your mistress.”
Cruel and unusual punishments for white-collar crimes. How many big business shenanigans would go on if these scumbag CEOs knew that if they got busted, they’d be flogged, dragged though the streets by a team of horses, and forced to watch Glitter.
I will carefully avoid important issues while diverting attention to stupid ones. Rather than give you a bunch of boring stuff about how we can get our economy out of the doldrums, I’ll talk about how Hollywood and the media are failing in their responsibilities as our children’s primary source of education and morality.
I will appease both religious conservatives and anti-religious liberals through my “Forget the Constitution” plan. To appease the far right, a national church, funded by tax money, will be open to all denominations as long as they believe in the right God. For the far left, no one may actually practice this religion, attend this church or talk about anything associated with it. It’ll be a colossal waste of money, but so are most government programs. Besides, everybody will be happy-or mad. Either way, we’ll be on the same page.
I will promote fair trade by imposing unbearably high tariffs on foreign products. I will also threaten to invade or boycott any country that does the same to us. I’m not exactly sure how this is considered “fair” trade, but it makes me look good.
All electoral disputes will be settled by a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.” This is necessary to prevent another incident like we had in the 2000 election. If that game results in a draw, we arm wrestle.
Anyone who opposes me in any way will be labeled a “terrorist,”a “terrorist supporter,” a “racist,” a “bigot,” a “right-wing fanatic” or a “liberal nut-job.” If any of those names fail to vanquish my foes, I can use my list of words that can’t be printed in The Reflector.
Now that you know my platform, it comes to a question of funding. My Congressional vote is for sale to the highest bidder. You want me to back something, you’d better have the Benjamins. This ain’t no volunteer gig folks,
I need the money.
This may not make me the most scrupulous politician in the world, but at least I’ll tell you now what I’m going to do rather than let you find out about it in the Drudge Report.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
Tony Odom is a graduate student in the history department.