United States/Cuba relations have reached their high point of the past 40 years. America has finally figured out the best way to deal with Cuba and other nations of ill repute. The secret weapon? Spam. Recently the United States opened the Spam floodgates to Cuba. This historic event was marked by much hand-shaking, flag-waving and a dancing can of Spam-but not Spam Lite. Now Cubans have the chance to indulge in gourmet dishes like the Spamburger hamburger and deep-fried Spam.
Historians believe that Spam may have been used in advancing American policy and culture in the past. They point out that today Hawaii leads the nation in Spam consumption, yet before Spam was invented, Hawaii was not even considered American enough for statehood.
Also, some historians hold Spam solely responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union. Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev wrote, “Spam saved Russia” during World War II. Russians held Spam in such high regard that due to American Spam sanctions during the Cold War, the Soviet Union could no longer meet the Spam demands of its people and collapsed in 1991.
Experts disagree about how exactly Spam will lead to the end of tyranny and communism in Cuba. Some believe that consumption of large amounts of Spam will lead to increased health problems in the Cuban populace, forcing Cuba to seek aid from the nation with the most experience in unhealthy eating, the United States. They point to the absence of a dancing Spam Lite can to support their theory.
Others suggest that Spam was used as a mind-control chemical in the States for years. It is only natural to extend its influence to Cuba. For evidence, they point out that Spam has been served in public schools for decades. One expert holds that cans of Spam marked for Cuba’s leaders are poisoned, citing rumors of a gift-wrapped can marked “To: Castro, From: your friends at the CIA.”
Popular among the younger set of experts is the Big Mistake theory. This theory claims that the Spam shipments are an attempt by a computer-illiterate government to shut down the computer infrastructure of Cuba by “spamming” them. What else can be expected from an administration that spends tax dollars on Windows?
Only one expert produced hard evidence to support his theory. He claims the American government is using the Spam cans as a means of spreading propaganda, downplaying past tensions and sympathizing with economic troubles, to the Cuban populace. He produced several small notes signed by President Bush bearing messages such as, “The past is over,” “Don’t misunderestimate me,” and “I know how hard it is to put food on your family.”
Despite their disagreements on the exact method of Spam diplomacy, experts concur that it may be used in improving relations with nations other than Cuba. Iraq is believed to be under consideration for Spam outreach. Some worry that Iraqi Muslims may consider Spam unclean.
However, most believe Spam can’t be rejected on religious grounds because nobody knows what it is made of. Some experts go so far as to suggest that only thing that will prevent war in Iraq is a can of Spam.
North Korea and Libya are also believed to be under consideration for lifting of Spam sanctions. However, as they are considered lower priorities than Iraq or Cuba, they may only receive Treet.
In the near future, Americans may be able to join with all the nations of the world in state of peace and acceptance-all because of Spam. Imagine the whole world coming together to celebrate, a billion voices singing along with Monty Python, “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…”
Nathan Alday is a junior aerospace engineering major.