Alas friends, my plan to run for Congress hit a minor snag recently. I was out campaigning at a senior citizen’s home and outlining my top 10 reasons why Matlock would kick the crap out of Judge Judy.
Suddenly, an elderly gentleman asked me what party I was with, because he wanted to join. When I told him that I was an independent, he informed me that people aren’t going to vote for somebody unless they have a party affiliation.
With that in mind, I have spent the last week auditioning political parties. It has been a lengthy and educational process.
I decided to avoid the Democrats and Republicans or, as I like to call them, the “Republi-crats.” They have their guys running already. I doubt they’d support my campaign.
I was first approached by a representative of the Reform Party. This is the party born out of the Perot campaigns of the early ’90s. Pat Buchanan represented them in the last election.
The Buchanan Reform Party is based on a solid foundation of wacky ideas, paranoid delusions and a strong belief that we should invade Poland as soon as possible. I found these guys to be scary.
Maybe it was the whole “fear of everything” vibe I got from them. Maybe it was the fact that they threatened to burn my CD player at the stake because it was an instrument of evil and full of demons. Then again, it could have just been the fact that they said Hitler had the right idea about how to deal with “them danged ole furriners.” Either way, Buchanan’s wing of the Reform Party just wasn’t for me.
Up next was the Green Party. This was the party that everyone blamed for taking votes away from Al Gore in 2000. I admit that I had kind of a soft spot for the Green Party. I didn’t think it was fair to blame them for Gore’s defeat. After all, it’s not their fault that Gore has all the charisma of a brown paper sack.
Also, Gore’s wife, Tipper, is the High Priestess of the Parental Advisory sticker. Plus, it wasn’t the Green Party’s fault that Gore’s daddy wasn’t a former president who made key appointments to the Supreme Court (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).
But the Greens started to sound a little too much like the socialists for me. I mean, if you don’t like the market economy, you can follow the advice of one of my favorite professors and “live in Romania, if you like.” Besides, they wanted to hold hands and sing. Sorry, but no.
Speaking of the Socialists, I let them audition as well. Their representative was nice at first, but then he got boring and I began to think of words that rhyme with “capitalism.”
\I hate to let the fellow know now, but he never had a real chance at winning me over. After all, it was the socialists who gave us the Soviet Union, North Korea and Cuba. I prefer a capitalist society, with its abundant supply of toilet paper.
And then, like a ray of sweet heavenly light bursting through a cloud of monotony, I was approached by the fun parties.
First up was the Scorched Earth Party, who advocated taking an army of lead pipe-wielding thugs to Michael Bolton’s house “to administer sweet justice.”
Then, the Royalist Party, who proposed an American monarch because, “Royalty is cool!”
Next up was the National Nihilist Party, who suggested the new national holiday “100 mile-an-hour Day” and limiting capital punishment to inconsiderate driving infractions.
Then came the best one of all: the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party.
“We of the NBSRP will not-unlike our Democrap counterparts-treat the rule of law like a used Kleenex when it doesn’t suit our objectives; and unlike our Republican’t counterparts, will not legislate morality from the oft-hypocritical halls of Congress. We’ll do it over happy hour at the local bowling alley where everyday rationale and morality is more likely to be found.”
Furthermore, my new party believes that “truth in government is poobah, but we will at least be honest about it.”
Mike Bay, the NBSRP’s candidate for president in 2004 issues the following promise: “Not only will I NOT lie to get to the top, I promise I won’t choke on a pretzel and/or sue the constitutional process if you don’t elect me!”
He is my kind of guy, and exactly the kind of leadership this country needs.
Tony Odom is a graduate student in the history department.