Once upon a time, before I began my illustrious career as a grad student, laundry deliverer and opinion writer, I worked as the full-time manager of a video rental store. Hard to believe, huh? During that time, I learned a little bit about the movie industry. I will now share this knowledge with you. Why am I doing this? Since I no longer have a vested interest in the success of the video rental business, I wish to perform the public service of helping you avoid watching bad movies.
Now, a lot of you believe that you can never tell if a movie is going to be bad until you watch it. That is not necessarily the case. Nine times out of 10, you can tell just by reading the cover box. I do want to say, before I start, that you can never totally avoid watching bad movies. Some stuff, like “Castaway” you just have to be surprised by. But most of the time, there are clues to help you along.
Generally, it is a good idea to avoid sequels. They make a lot of money for the studios and the actors but serve no other real, practical purpose. They are never better than the original, so don’t waste your time hoping they will be.
If you see a movie with the words “Better than,” “Just as good as,” “This year’s” or “If you loved” and another title following any of those phrases, just go get the other movie and watch it. Any movie that has to compare itself to another movie is not worth watching. A favorite comparison movie in the last few years has been “The Matrix.” I can’t tell you how many bad sci-fi movies have lured people into watching them with promises of being “Better than ‘The Matrix'” or “This year’s ‘Matrix.'”
Any movie where a super-model is the headlining star is also good to avoid. You should avoid any movies with the siblings of more famous and more talented actors. For example, anything with Frank Stallone is going to stink. I can guarantee it.
On a related note, it is also a very good idea to avoid any movie that stars popular singers. Movies made by an ‘Nsyncstreet Boy’ or a pop princess are going to be absolutely horrid. I blame Elvis for starting this trend. Had he not made such commercially successful but utterly forgettable pieces of crap like “Clambake,” “Viva Las Vegas” and “Fun in Acapulco,” we wouldn’t be subjected to the likes of “Crossroads” and “Glitter.” Don’t get me wrong, I like the King, but he never was Oscar material.
Another telltale sign of a bad movie is what I used to call “tag along” marketing. This is when a popular movie is out in the theaters and the video stores market every bad movie ever made about a similar topic or with a similar plot in order to capitalize on the success of the theater’s offering. A lot of times, these movies have similar if not identical titles.
My favorite example of this was during the “Titanic” craze of a couple of years ago. While James Cameron’s tragic tale of love and leaky hulls was raking in the money and racking up Oscar nominations, my store had moved every movie ever made about the Titanic to the new release wall and started charging the new release price. In other words, these otherwise forgettable movies were “tagging along” with the going craze. Now that you know, you can avoid wasting your time.
Of course, the biggest impediment to avoiding bad movies is “that guy.” “That guy,” is the one who convinces you to watch bad movies against your better judgment. Everyone has a “that guy” to contend with, even me. For me, “that guy” told me that “Mission Impossible 2” was better than “The Matrix.” To prove him wrong, I relented and agreed to watch it with him.
He also convinced me that “The Fast and the Furious” was a great film. If you are not a fan of intelligent dialogue, original plot or good acting, I suppose it is.
The problem with “that guy” is that occasionally, he will actually recommend a decent movie, but it’s sort of like a junkyard in that you may find something useful but you have to wade through a lot of garbage before you find it. The best thing to do is try and determine how often “that guy” recommends a good movie. Normally, it’ll be like every third or fourth one. Of course, you can also just wait until someone else recommends it.
I hope these hints have been helpful to you. If you take them to heart, you won’t watch as many movies, but you will watch better ones, and you’ll thank me for it.