The novelist Tom Robbins said that you live and you die and in between is maintenance. There is, of course, a prioritized hierarchy of maintenance. There are those things which people must maintain daily such as brushing teeth and bathing. Then there are the lower end priorities such as foot-wax treatments and callus exfoliation, and in between, there are such priorities as muscle development and fat burning. This week, the hierarchy has been restructured. Spring Break is upon us, and for many, this means squeezing into swimwear. That’s right Travel Channelers, it’s bathing suit season, and hundreds of college coeds are cramming a semester’s worth of bodily neglect into one sweat-pouring, calorie-counting week. This is not the healthiest regimen of personal maintenance recommended. People should know better than to crash diet. And some are taking their crash diets too far and entering the more dangerous realm of eating disorders.
But I have an alternative for all those who don’t mind causing themselves physical harm for the sake of weight loss: cocaine. That’s right. Nothing will get the heart pumping like a couple of lines of blow. The way I see it, eating disorders are an adverse behavior, so you’ll just be trading one bad habit for another.
This stuff works, too. Just ask any of those Hollywood mogul types. They’ll be glad to expand on cocaine’s potent effects. It suppresses appetite. It increases heart rate and blood pressure. It causes rapid breathing. And it may also provide a little perspiration. It will be like you’re on a Stairmaster Level 20 Fat Burner Plus program without even leaving the couch. Of course, you may experience tremors or nausea, and there may be some signs of impotence, but who cares. It’s all in the name of weight loss.
On this new miracle drug, you will laugh at those who trudge to the gym every afternoon. What fools! They don’t know about the miracle drug that will help you lose weight and turn you into the life of the party. You will suddenly become the central authority on things you never knew about before. You’ll have increased confidence with a delusory sense of invincibility. And the pounds will simply melt away. Your metabolism will be pushed to the brink as your heart tries not to explode, and of course, the nosebleeds will have to be contended with.
If nosebleeds aren’t your bag, there’s always speed and crystal meth. These are for those college students who (like me) are a little strapped for cash. But remember, when designing your budget, while on these miracle drugs you won’t have to buy food, and although speed and crystal meth are less expensive, they are no less effective. Speed is guaranteed to give you the weight loss satisfaction you have been dreaming of. No more diets. No more tedious workouts. Just you, tweaked out like a gnat on No-Doz.
Your local drug dealer may try to sell you a phony diet drug, like pot. Don’t be fooled. Weed is only effective if you can suppress the urge to go to the cupboard for cupcakes and Faygo while lounging around the house. You need a guaranteed ripsnorter. Ask for it by name. Some call it coke, blow, nose candy, mama coca or snow, but those from its mother country of Colombia call it yeyo.
And with this newfound addiction-I mean weight loss regimen-and a new, perfect body, you might as well enjoy basking in bathing suit weather on Colombian beaches. While down there, you can meet with the cartel, toot some lines and talk a little business. Next thing you know, you’ll be flying a twin-engine Cessna full of miracle, weight loss drugs, so your friends can also enjoy the benefits of having a body to die for.
Of course, this is all absurd. No one needs to go to these lengths for looks. First of all, it’s illegal. Second, it’s just not good for you-and neither are crash diets or obsessive workouts.
As you’re getting ready for bathing suit season, just remember to treat your body right. Don’t hurt yourself or do anything detrimental to your body. After all, it’s only personal maintenance.