Most relationships begin on a mutual attraction to positive characteristics. This initial attraction can be purely physical or mildly spiritual. Unfortunately, most relationships are founded upon that initial physical attraction. It is only natural for us, as imperfect human beings raised in a rather superficial society, to base our first perceptions of others on their physical appearance; however, allowing that attraction to be the basis of a relationship is not conducive to the good health of the relationship or the mental well-being of either person involved.
Luckily, once the physical attraction is acted upon, most people take the opportunity to find appealing characteristics below the surface.
This new spiritual attraction enhances the overall beauty of people, creating a proper foundation for a healthy relationship.
Sometimes this foundation has cracks in it, and although we see these faults, we choose to ignore them in the beginning. After all, obsessing over little details seems petty when we first observe the big picture.
Even though we ignore these shortcomings at first, we don’t always accept them, but eventually they resurface, and we let these faults garner significant importance. That’s when the word “change” makes its appearance.
Change can be good; change can be bad. Change in relationships is a highly debatable concept because it has specific uses and misuses.
When we enter relationships with others, we are dating the entire person. We cannot date the good qualities and leave the bad at home.
We have to realize that no one is perfect, and it isn’t likely that we’ll ever discover someone that fits our idealized mold. Before you can truly love a person, you have to like the person as a whole.
Of course, you don’t have to like the imperfections. Obviously there is something you dislike in the first place; otherwise you wouldn’t consider it to be an imperfection. You simply have to accept the imperfections as part of the person, little pieces that make up the whole being. Without those imperfections, there is no real person.
You cannot ask people to change the things you dislike about them.
When you do this, you are creating a new person, and you stop dating the person you fell for in the first place. As the person changes, personality and mannerisms begin to change, which gradually produces a new person, a person that you may or may not find yourself attracted to.
We have to realize that the imperfections contribute to the person in the same way that the positive characteristics do. Everything pieces together to form the entire person, which is why we must learn to accept people as they are, or let them find someone who will.
As to most rules, however, there is an exception. When people involve themselves in actions and states of mind that are harmful to themselves and potentially harmful to others, it is fair for their partners to ask for change. When physical and emotional wellbeing are put at risk, a relationship cannot exist without paranoia, which should never be continuously present in any relationship. Of course, if we ask our partners to change harmful aspects of their lives, then we, too, should be expected to change the harmful aspects in our own lives. Hypocrisy has no place in a relationship either.
Change is a touchy subject. We should never enter relationships intending to change others, and we should never feel as though we have to make significant changes to our own lives to have a relationship.
Aside from abusive traits, we need to learn to love the people we meet, find someone we can love for who they are, and allow others to find someone who will love them without wanting them to change.
Michael Robert is a sophomore studying mathematics. He can be contacted at [email protected].