Sure, you have known about this assignment since the beginning of the semester. That does not make the professor any less of a jerk for making it due tomorrow. (Or due ever.) As you rummage through your fridge for anything caffeinated, you silently berate yourself, swearing this is the last time. You will never procrastinate again.
Yeah, right.
I know procrastination is bad. Staying up all night is terrible for your health, and writing a paper the night before it is due is not an efficient or scholarly move. However, procrastination has its benefits. Some of my best work in school has been the result of a last-minute effort. (If you run into me on the Drill Field, be sure to ask me about the time I wrote a research paper during an episode of “Law & Order: SVU.”)
Procrastinating is a thrill. This might be a stretch, but writing a paper the night before it is due might be the most impossible odds I ever face. My life is pretty mundane. I sleep on my sofa quite often, and I have been known to go to Walmart “just for fun.” Trying to complete a 10-page assignment in 12 hours really gets my blood flowing. I imagine it is the way secret agents must feel as they diffuse a bomb just seconds before the time goes off. Real life is just like the movies, right?
Procrastinating can yield great results. I’m aware it can also produce some regrettable work. (If you run into me on the Drill Field, please do not bring up the time I tried to put together my entire senior portfolio in the six hour span between leaving the bar and leaving for my 8 a.m. class.)
Goethe once claimed, “What is not started today is never started tomorrow.” Now, I respect Goethe and all, but I have to disagree with the German writer. Here’s my counter argument: every day is today. Therefore, every day I have the opportunity to start something. Tomorrow will be today soon enough and, therefore, I will start this paper and finish it today. Besides, I like to imagine Goethe produced “Faust” in one long caffeine-powered all-nighter. Either that or he was a real stick in the mud.
Putting things off is also a great way for finding time to finally do those other things you have been meaning to do. Oh, you have a project due tomorrow? You better get started on it! But wait… haven’t you been meaning to replace the light bulb in the refrigerator? You better get on that first. Here is an annotated list of the equally important tasks I accomplished during my most recent all-nighter. (Not included: my assignment.)
• I emailed my grandmother a complete recap of the past several months of my life.
• I watched Rihanna’s “We Found Love” video approximately 17 times.
• I painted my nails.
• I bleached my hair, cried about it, bleached it again, cried more and then dyed it purple.
• I drank six Diet Cokes.
• I Facebook stalked the boy I had a crush on in middle school. (He is still way hot.)
• I Facebook stalked the girl who bullied me in middle school. (She got way ugly. Score!)
• I made a sandwich.
• I browsed 26 pages on Google images of “funny cats.”
All of those things were just as important as my essay on the relationship between text and context as illustrated in the life and works of Allen Ginsberg, right? Right.
Procrastination can provide motivation for me when I feel particularly unmotivated. Why should I write this paper? Oh, so I can get a good grade. And get a good grade in the class. And graduate with a degree. And get a good job. And work for the rest of my life. And then die. What? Sorry, I did not mean to get kind of morbid there, but sometimes the whole go-to-school-get-a-good-job thing just does not cut it for me. Besides, I heard something about how it is hard to get a job nowadays or something. Can anyone verify that for me?
Procrastination makes me feel like I can do anything. When I get a good grade on something I completed at the last minute, I am on top of the world. If I had been worrying about this paper for weeks, I would have missed out on a lot of fun things, too.
There are certain things you should never procrastinate though. For example, do not put off doing your taxes, feeding your cat or paying the heating bill in the midst of winter. Those things will come back to bite you. (I mean that quite literally in the cat situation, as it will attempt to eat your face. Heed my warning.)
I am not saying you should stay up all night. Please get lots and lots of sleep. I am saying, though, there is more to life than preparation. Procrastinate, and do not beat yourself up over it. I think the trick must be to take it easy. Let yourself face an impossible task. You will get it done. If you do not, the world will keep on turning. Your heart will keep on beating, preferably with the speed of a caffeinated little squirrel.
As always, take my advice with a grain of salt. Heck, take it with the whole margarita. If you find procrastination does not work for you and you prefer to get your work done ahead of time, I am happy for you. Also, I cannot relate to you at all. Also, please teach me how you do that.