The last time I went to church was on a date. Before that occasion, it had been years since I attended a service. Many reasons accounted for my absence. One was the lack of drugs in church. Many Christians suggest the Bible was created by man but inspired by God. I feel the same way about acid, Adderall and Seroquel, among others.
But I don’t want to bore you with views of most Americans, if they were honest, would hold. The most important reason you won’t see me at church is church signs give me all the guidance I need. I have a hunch this isn’t the reason they’re there, but I have too much to say to waste time interviewing informed sources.
Speaking of time, you save a lot of it not going to church. Phrases like “time just flies by” and “not enough time in the world” drip from our collective mouths like bitter honey. At the very least, I want to help change that for the churchgoing population.
I have collected a variety of church sign phrases throughout my travels in Mississippi and Alabama and, for the first time, I am sharing them with others for the purpose of time management and true, inspirational living:
1) Jesus Died For You; Will You Live For Him?
What a deal, as I might say while shopping at Walmart. I like the idea of not genuinely wanting to be a good person but viewing Christianity as an obligation.
This is akin to buying a drink for someone because he or she bought a drink for you, not because you like him or her. (I should point out the semicolon and question mark were missing from the original phrase. For some reason, churchgoers don’t appear to be concerned with punctuation.)
2) For All You Do, This Blood’s For You.
I found the allusion to beer so inspiring I decided to drink the following Sunday. I don’t drink Budweiser, though. I hope that doesn’t betray the intentions of this particular sign.
3) The Bible Should Be Trusted, Not Dusted.
About a year ago, I felt I needed to open up the so-called Blueprint for Living and acquire a toolset via examination of the Gospels and Proverbs. The Bible I wanted to read had dust on it, and I like to dust off books I’m about to read. But I remembered this sign. I had to listen to me say the phrase multiple times on my digital recorder, but eventually I got it. To this day, I haven’t dusted off that Bible. I’ve trusted it like I trust my sister.
4) Whoever Dies With The Most Toys Is Still Dead.
Upon reading this, I dashed home to make sure I didn’t have any action figures, remote-controlled cars or water pistols on my property. After all, I don’t want to kid myself.
5) Give Satan An Inch, And He Will Be A Ruler.
Unlike Saddam Hussein in the great musical “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut,” I’ve never felt the urge to copulate with the Prince of Darkness. Not to mention I’ve never seen Satan, but then again, I haven’t traveled to many foreign countries. I still need to visit China and France, for example.
6) The Saints Win Here Every Sunday.
This made me feel pretty good. If the New Orleans Saints win every Sunday at this place, I don’t need to go watch them and listen to undignified chants of “Who dat?”
I want to close with a moment that changed my life. I was driving down a country road at night and saw colored lights in the distance, which struck me as odd.
I grew up in the hills of Tallahatchie County, so I am not used to seeing such things in the country.
I got closer and closer and finally noticed the lights were part of a church sign!
Needless to say, I had a long conversation with God afterward. He basically said he likes me.
Jed Pressgrove is a graduate student in sociology. He can be contacted at [email protected].