Did you know that a German dog trainer has successfully taught a border collie how to drive a car?
Hopefully not, because I just made that up.
But honestly, there are times when I would feel safer with a dog driving than with some actual drivers. This is frequently the case when I’m walking across Hardy Road (or “Engineering Row” or “Drive like a Psychopath Boulevard” or whatever you want to call it). Whenever I walk near that street, I can’t shake the feeling every single driver is eagerly awaiting the opportunity to run me over the second I set foot on a crosswalk, mentally calculating the precise level of acceleration necessary for maximal impact damage. Seriously, does anyone else get that impression, or am I just paranoid out of my mind? (Don’t answer that.)
As an aside, it’s an interesting coincidence that whenever I’m driving down Hardy Road, I can’t shake the feeling all the pedestrians are waiting to dive in front of my car just as I’m about to pass them. It’s a good thing those maniacal drivers only show up when I’m on foot, and the lemming-like pedestrians only show up when I’m in my car. If they were ever there at the same time, we’d have a serious vehicular homicide problem on our hands.
That all said, Hardy Road is nothing compared that one dangerous road off campus – the one that makes me fear for my life every time I drive down it . I’m drawing a blank on its name. Oh, wait it’s all of them, or at least the ones that have cars on them.
Studies show that virtually all drivers think their driving skills are above average. Half of those people are wrong. And if we narrow our focus to just drivers who aren’t me, that ratio jumps to a staggering slightly-more-than-half. (The difference between me and other drivers, by the way, is that I don’t think I’m an above average driver – I know I’m an above average driver.)
Thusly, every time I spot another car on the road, the odds are I’m going to die. And that’s just based on normal drivers. We’re not even taking into account things like drunk driving, which can turn an above average driver into a horrible one. Or road rage, which can turn an above average driver into a horrible one who actively wants to hurt me.
Let’s talk road rage – angry drivers scare me to death. They’ve been known to commit murder over incidents as trivial as playing the radio too loud. (Which I suppose puts me in grave danger.)
And when it comes to aggressive driving, it’s not uncommon for weapons to get involved. That is, weapons in addition to the two tons of metal that all drivers have at their disposal. This would include firearms, baseball bats, tire irons, golf clubs and (in more than one incident) burritos. I genuinely don’t want to know how these people go about using a burrito as a weapon. Perhaps it’s a Taco Bell burrito, and they make the victim eat it?
Even without considering intentionally aggressive drivers, there’s more than enough to fear from regular drivers. Have you seen some of those statistics relating to traffic-related fatalities? If you haven’t, they’re high. (And if you have, they’re still high.)
I don’t know why other drivers scare me so much. Maybe those statistics have gotten to me. Or maybe it has to do with one instance when I was a kid, in which a driver in my neighborhood decided to take a shortcut through my mailbox. I think the image of that broken mailbox may have scarred me for life. (That driver, incidentally, was not a border collie.)
Am I saying I think we should replace all drivers with border collies? No, of course not. I’m saying I know we should replace all drivers with border collies. Either that, or the people who operate cars should be more careful. I’m leaning towards the first option, though.
McNeill Williford is a senior majoring in industrial engineering. He can be contacted at [email protected].