Have you ever been so gripped by an emotion that you looked at or treated one of your closest family members or friends as if you did not know them? Have you ever experienced regret over something you did or said as soon as your emotions subsided?

If you have ever experienced these feelings, we have struggled with similar confusions and regrets. 

Nearly six years ago, I stumbled upon a book titled “Emotions Revealed” by Paul Ekman that not only profoundly influenced my understanding of emotion, but also directly affected the way I lived my life.  

Ekman, a pioneer in the study of emotions and facial expressions, describes what we refer to as “being overwhelmed by or gripped by emotion” as the refractory period of an emotion. 

During this period, we are only able to access information in our brain that is relevant to the emotion we are experiencing. 

For instance, if your roommate is in the refractory period of anger during a heated conversation, he or she is only capable of thinking about your mistakes and errors in the past and not the times you supported and cared for them. 

In other words, science acknowledges if an emotion is triggered in a person, they are not themselves anymore.  

Their rational capabilities are limited and they can only remember events or experiences that feed their current emotional state. This understanding has the potential to open a world of choices for us inwardly and outwardly. 

If we change our focus and become interested in what is going on inside of us as much as what is going on outside, we can become more adept at handling our emotions. 

The ability to recognize a rising emotion inside ourselves and create a choice to either let the emotion take over or not is called “emotional awareness.”

However, emotions are not always dysfunctional and we do not want to dampen our emotions entirely. It is not an exaggeration to say humanity owes its survival to emotions. 

Charles Darwin, in one of his works, uses the expressions of emotions in an effort to support his theory of evolution. 

Emotional responses take precedence over our conscious choices. This is why we only become aware of having become emotional.  This has been pivotal in human evolution and our daily lives. 

For example, when driving we would get into more accidents if our emotional response did not “steer the wheel” a little when another car comes out of nowhere. 

While the importance of emotional responses should be acknowledged and appreciated, we should not ignore the times when we wished we had not become emotional. 

It would be perfect if there was a way to stop ourselves from becoming emotional when we know we will regret our behavior afterwards.

By striking a balance between being conscious of what is going on inside us and being aware of our surroundings, eventually we will have gathered enough information about ourselves that we know when we are on the verge of becoming overwhelmed by our emotions. 

Growing in this conscious knowledge will allow you to study your own behavior patterns and either avoid certain situations or enter them with a higher level of consciousness and emotional control.

After learning more about our own feelings, we will have subconsciously trained ourselves to recognize when an emotion is developing. This allows us to look more closely at ourselves and make smarter choices. 

If we are diligent in our internal awareness, the next time a strong emotion begins to overwhelm us, we can remember the refractory period we will experience. 

Giving an emotionally overwhelming experience a name can remove the power it has over you. An extreme emotion can then be defined and addressed, rather than become  a debilitating experience.

This also helps to see emotions in others for what they are and can help us forgive those who are trapped in the refractory period of emotion themselves. We can then easily feel the pain the person in front of us is feeling. 

For instance, if your significant other is lashing out at you, not only will you forgive them instantly, because you are more aware of their pain, but you will also avoid becoming a participant in an angry conversation. This will avoid anger begetting more anger.

Recently, Dr. Ekman and his daughter, Eve Ekman, in a collaboration with the current Dalai Lama created an instructive and entertaining website, “Atlas of Emotions.”  The website can be accessed and used for free.