Is class holding you back from doing the things you like to do best, like oversleeping, compulsive partying or obsessive Facebooking? Do you feel like Pathfinders is forcing you to go to class against your will? Do you ever wake up and wish your teacher would call in sick? Do you think it is unfair that your business ethics class was only offered at 8 a.m.? Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions, I’ve got the solution for you: Skip class.
Many students don’t realize ditching class is both an art and a science. So, to raise awareness, I’ve consulted a local class-skipping expert who was kind enough to share his proven methods of avoiding class. Mississippi State senior art major Geoff Jeffreys is considered by many to be one of the premier class skippers of our generation.
“Well, my rule is more sleep is always better than going to class,” Jeffreys said. “Tests are about the only thing I will not sleep through. And usually I don’t miss two days back to back. I try to spread it out.”
When asked how he responds to an unsympathetic teacher after several missed days, Jeffreys said, “If the teacher is serious about me missing class, then I ‘seriously’ had to go to a funeral. The good thing about visitation booklets is that they are really easy to make in Microsoft Word: Just find a real obituary in a non-local newspaper (that’s key) and Google image search a picture of anyone, bring it to class and you have yourself an automatic excuse. I would try to save this tactic for when you’re planning on skipping a lot of class because you can only miss one or two days of a class and use the same excuse. It’s a lot easier than trying to steal a doctor’s excuse from a waiting room.”
Jeffreys’ methods were indisputably creative, but I suspected there was a direct link to one’s major and the amount of skippage one could get away with. I asked Jeffreys what he considered to be the best major for excessive skipping.
“Definitely an art major,” he said. “Yeah seriously, I missed well over 10 classes one semester in art history and still made a B.”
Jeffreys’ advice was solid, but not everyone can up and change to an art major. Your average skipper needs to take a more balanced approach.
Building construction science sophomore Jeremy Dunkerton prefers playing hooky early in the semester.
“Early in the year, professors aren’t strict with their roll books,” he said. “It’s a great time to get some extra duck hunting in.”
It’s also important to keep a teacher on your good side. And to do so, you have two strong options: First, you can sit in the back of class and not answer questions so your presence won’t be missed when you decide to be absent. The other viable option is to become the teacher’s pet. This option involves risking the disdain and hatred of your classmates, but a shameless brownnoser knows how to swallow their pride and self-respect.
Personally, I recommend a balanced lifestyle of skipping. In order to be successful with this approach, it’s important to stay in constant contact with your professor via e-mail, feeding him or her plausible but fresh excuses.
Warning: Skipping class is not for everyone. Side effects may include not getting drafted to the NBA and having to play for a European team (we love you, Jamont Gordon, and we wish you’d stayed). Side effects may also include failing, unwanted angry phone calls with your parents over you failing, working at a dead end job for the rest of your life because of failing and resorting to prostitution and methamphetamines because of failing. If you indulge in truancy that spans for more than six days, consult your doctor and class syllabus immediately to see how many skip days your professor allows.
Matt Morgan is a sophomore majoring in sociology. He can be contacted at [email protected].