As far as I can tell (very far), there are three types of people when it comes to profanity. The first group is composed primarily of amoral hoodlums who find no offense in even the absolutely worst “cuss words.”
The third group, diametrically opposed to the first, is represented by a majority of religious zealots and old people. This group covers its collective ears at even the slightest reverberation of words such as “damn” or “hell,” the latter of course excepted when used with Biblical implication.
The midpoint on this spectrum, as you might have guessed, is mathematically group two. Group two aligns nicely with my perspective and is thus logically “better” than the other groups. And by “better” I mean better, absolutely.
Group two is most concerned with “keepin’ it real.” Now, the problem with keeping it real is the subjectivity of reality. I define reality as what I know to be “true.”
That might or might not correspond with the dictionary definition of reality, which is irrelevant, because I don’t consider the dictionary to be more inherently “true” than any other opinion regarding the definition of words. For the dictionary to declare itself an authority on definitions (see the entry for the word “dictionary” in an actual dictionary) is surely some sort of logical fallacy. Perhaps these self-described dictionaries should look up the word “logic” inside of themselves, and maybe next time they’ll be a little more prudent and a little less dumb.
Group two isn’t afraid of dropping a few F-bombs. They know how to spice up the conversation with their almost supernatural ability to juxtapose articulation and profanity. Group two knows its limits, though, as its members generally uphold either a personal belief in a deity of their choice or in the least a respect for those who are religious.
As a result of this, the only off-limit phrases are the ones that take any god’s name in vain. To circumvent this restriction, group two has developed a number of substitute bad words that gods don’t mind nearly as much. The key here is replacing the deity in question with arbitrary, similar-sounding words so that they present an entirely different meaning, completely untraceable back to the original offender!
Voila, god(s) is (are) still happy!
Take, for instance, the new phrase “Oh, my lard!” It is completely nonsensical. I bet you can’t even relate it back to the profanities it replaced. And if you can’t do it, then surely an omnipotent being can’t!
So when you’re out on the streets, wearing your cargo pants, listening to your Shania Twain cassettes and keeping it real, remember to respect the gods that you might or might not believe in. They might or might not be listening. And if they are, then by gosh, we’ll be sure to trick them yet.