If you’ve been reading the news lately, then you already know MSU needs a new president. The process can be tedious, leaving many affected parties in the dark. Most faculty, staff and students have no idea who’s on the short list for the next MSU prez.
And since nominations are being accepted at this point, I have a few choice selections to add to the pot. Ones I’m sure we can all rally behind.
1. Oprah
The first obvious choice for our next commander-in-chief is none other than the Queen of Daytime Talk TV. Not only will she be able to bring her popular show to the Drill Field, which should increase enrollment and visitation to campus, but she can also solve the parking problem with one swoop of her diamond-studded hand.
Think of every Christmas when she gives away thousands of dollars worth of merchandise or of all the underprivileged children she sends to Space Camp. Why does she? Because she’s Oprah. Oh, and she has more money than God. She can afford to take the eleventy-billion-dollar pay cut as MSU’s first emperess.
Also no one would ever dare cross Her powers. Her Harpo Empire reaches all of Earth’s citizens. No IHL board or governor would dare say no to her demands. She rules with an iron fist, and all must bow to Her Supreme Authority.
2. Gilbert Godfried
He may be a C-list celebrity, and he definitely doesn’t have the fame that others do. But any commencement speech, public appearance or board meeting would be eventful.
(In case you don’t know him, he’s the voice of that Parrot in “Aladdin.”)
Now imagine that voice calling out your name after you’ve spent four-plus years in college.
3. The actress who played D.J. Tanner on “Full House”
She was cute, she was protective of her younger sisters and she made her daddy proud. Plus, isn’t it about time she had some work?
Any time in the future when we have other universities whine about not getting their way (much like Stephanie always did on “Full House”), our President D.J. would put her, I mean that school, back in its place … but not before we all learned a life lesson and hugged at the end.
4. Donald Trump
Anyone thinking MSU has a shortage of hot females would rally behind Trump. Imagine the influx of 20-somethings with blonde hair and high hopes of being Mrs. Trump Six.
And what says “confidence” and “people-pleaser” more than a toupee?
All the construction on campus would be altered to include gold-plated ceilings, diamond-encrusted floors and archways reminiscent of the Taj Mahal. His Atlantic City connections could literally make every class day a trip down the boardwalk, and we could finally start construction on his lovechild-The Trump Parking Towers.