Poker is absolutely everywhere. It’s in your household. It’s in your television set. It’s in your Internet Web sites. It’s in your future. “Me?!” you respond. “God says that poker is bad! And so do my parents, guidance counselors and Congress!” you quip. Well … I don’t want to tell you that they are wrong. I don’t want to tell you that, but I feel that it is my obligation. They are dead wrong.
As a former online poker mega superstar (now retired, lacking funds), trust me on this. Poker is extremely easy and rewarding (mentally, physically and financially). As far as I can tell, literally everyone is a winner in poker. Even if you don’t score any sweet cash, it’s a guaranteed fun time. As every person in the world knows, fun is directly correlated to the expenditure of money.
So think of it this way: The more money you lose, the more fun you had. On the other hand, the more money that you win, the more money that you have to spend on other fun things. It’s a win-win situation. Don’t argue; it’s simple logic.
Now, you might even be concerned about the future of gambling following the passage of the Safe Port Act, which hopes to stifle our right as Americans to waste money, time and our lives on the Internet. But our old pals in Congress forgot one thing about those that the Safe Port Act attempts to regulate: they are gamblers.
Gamblers revel in opportunities like this. Let’s be realistic; what are the odds of actually being fined or imprisoned for online gambling? One in two, maybe? Sounds like just another bet to me, and I’ll take those odds any day of the week. Beside the Sabbath, I mean.
Poker is an intellectual exercise equivalent to the deciphering of lyrics from the band The Mars Volta (just go ahead and try). The average poker player can be described most effectively with a single word: supergenius. He or she must operate with the agility of a brain surgeon.
Every action is contrived masterfully, often within only a few seconds. For example, do you think you could instinctually make a $1 trillion bluff, knowing that the loss of such an exorbitant amount could potentially ruin your life forever? If you are a poker player, the answer is a definite yes. And if you didn’t win that bet, at least you had your fair share of fun.
While fun and funds are two of the biggest reasons to play poker, you also must consider the physical aspect. Based on my estimates, six hours of sedentary poker playing is approximately comparable to a 30-mile distance run. Feel that caloric burn, you card shark! Of course, this explains the need for card players to continually replenish their energy stores with healthful delicacies such as pizza, beer and cigars.
Furthermore, professional poker players are widely renowned for their impressive physicality. It’s very rare to see a malnourished or disgustingly emaciated player. And if there is one thing that I hate as an American, it’s a thin or moderately-sized individual. In fact, it’s making me nauseated thinking about it. We better move on to the conclusion.
Poker is awesome, and it has been theoretically proven to lack the potential of causing strife or legal punishment. At the very least, you should give it a chance. If you find that it is not right for you, then there is no reason that you can’t admit you’re wrong and try again.