Jed Pressgrove is a graduate student in sociology. He can be contacted at [email protected]. The incredible story of 2008 thus far and not likely to be dethroned in terms of newsworthiness unless an event of overwhelming importance transpires in the next 11 months, presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton hugged Thursday.
Politicians rarely hug. As we know, they are not normal people. And normal people hug quite a bit. Appropriately in stores and inappropriately in church.
These candidates, in fact, are more like bears. Both are ferocious, and both will leave you alone if you play dead. You could think of delegates as skittish salmon. (I would be skittish too if two hunky bears like Hillary and Barack were after me.)
Yet again, even as an easy comparison can be drawn between these officials and bears, we see the same delineation. Bears hug, politicians don’t.
After drilling into my brain for answers, something told me politicians embrace for reasons akin to those of large mammals that lust after honey, run at surprisingly high speeds and protect their families swift-paw.
My understanding of the academic literature on bears hugging is admittedly limited. Still, persistent thought and reading have led me to three reasons to share, three reasons that bears hug.
As we move from reason to reason, I will evaluate whether these are plausible explanations for the warm display of these two politicians.
First, bears have reported in several surveys that they hug to crush the bones of humans. One researcher, Frances Skalayhew, probed a community of bears on why its members dismantle human anatomy in this way. The reason given? Unfocused anger.
I suppose this theory is somewhat credible. We have seen both Hillary and Barack deface the other in recent news. Perhaps they wanted to crush human bones because of unfocused anger. Neither was strong enough – or unfocusedly angry enough – to do this, so scratch that possibility.
Second, researchers have discovered at least 25 bear religions (as opposed to bare religions, such as the Christian Nudists).
In seven of these religions, hugging is a ritual believed to build kind habit and informed doctrine. For a bear, kind habit is spraying insecticide for the community. Informed doctrine is defecating into a river.
I doubt this possibility, frankly. Neither candidate could ever be privy to the technique involved in poison spraying. I also doubt either would be willing to defecate in a river or able to recognize one, whichever comes first.
Third, research has established a theory where bears hug each other to display affection. This affection can be genuine or pageantry, planned or spontaneous, heartwarming or awkward. In this way, bears are like humans.
Having established politicians are not normal people and as this final reason links the behavior of bears to that of normal people, I reject this notion.
So unfortunately, despite promise and a well-oiled theoretical engine, I cannot say the obvious connection between politicians and bears can illustrate why Hillary and Barack wrapped their suit-clad bodies around each other.
But as always, I will keep you updated on the latest news that affects you, the citizens of America, the greatest country on Earth, the best planet in our solar system, the only place in the universe that contains life, I’m sure.