I get it. You hate Valentine’s Day. Hallmark is trying to ruin your life. Oh, the misery you must endure in these weeks leading up to the 14th of February. It’s as if the morning sun rises just to mock you and your half-empty bed, your sweatpants and the episode of “The Office” you fell asleep watching. Alone.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, the day implies weird social significance. If you’ve got a special someone, well, what have you got planned for the big day? Romantic picnic lunch? Candlelit dinner? Ladies, did you buy some sexy lingerie for the evening? Fellas, I hope you’ve been saving your pretty pennies, and you can front the cash for that bottle of pinot grigio your lady’s been eyeing. Pressure’s on!
If you’re single, well, I hope you have single friends. If not, I hope you have Netflix. This day is going to be just the absolute worst 24 hours of your adult life. I can’t imagine an experience more painful than spending Valentine’s Day alone. Oh, you poor thing. Go ahead and cry, eat cookie dough with your hands, pour yourself a Nyquil on the rocks and call it a night. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
Oh, wait. Yes I can! I’ve survived 21 Valentine’s Days already, and I’m no worse for wear. I’ve spent February 14th both single and taken, and I must say, it really isn’t that bad either way. So stop moping around! If nothing else, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity for some worthwhile self reflection. New Year’s Eve isn’t the only time to make some big life changes. This Valentine’s Day, do something! I’ve got a few ideas for some Valentine’s Day resolutions:
1. Stop talking/tweeting about being single.That’s not the way to get un-single. The “Forever Alone” meme is really funny, but you’re not alone forever. Honestly, even if you never find a boyfriend or girlfriend or even a halfway decent hookup buddy, you could never be alone forever. You’ve got friends, don’t you?! I know you do. If you don’t have any friends, call me. I’ll be your friend. Really, I’ll buy you candy and take shots with you. See, now you don’t feel so alone. Twitter is the perfect place for drunken ramblings and politically incorrect jokes, so take your pity party elsewhere. (Like Xanga!)
2.Learn to be happy alone.Even if you’re in a relationship, get some quality You Time in this year. I think it was Plato or some character from “Rent” who said it best, “You’ll never know true love until you love yourself.” I took those words to heart at a young age. I’ve been in love with myself for years now, and it’s been the most rewarding relationship of my life. Take yourself out on the town. Wine and dine yourself. Go home and seduce yourself! Write yourself love notes. You deserve it. If you’re single, embrace it! You have ample time to spend with the most amazing person in the world who just happens to be the same person reading these words right now. You deserve a whole heck of a lot of love, but it has to start with self love.
3. Tell your boyfriend/girlfriend exactly how you feel about them. If you’re in love with someone, tell them! Confessing your love is like an emotional orgasm. It’s this huge release of feelings, and, after you say it, both of you are going to feel so good! You’ll probably just want to keep repeating it all night until you both pass out from the exhaustion of love’s exquisite satisfaction. However, if you’re not in love with someone anymore, you should tell them that too. If you’re in one of those relationships where you’re like “Oh, um, well, maybe, this isn’t working out, I don’t know, hmm, okay,” get out! That’s Britney Spears’s level of toxic right there, and look what happened to her. Do you really want to stay in an unhealthy relationship until you lose your mind and shave your head and beat a photographer’s car with an umbrella? I didn’t think so. Be honest and get it together! Either way, you’ll feel better afterwards.
4. Get freaky! 2012 is the year of the freak, y’all! Ludacris taught us that every man wants a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed, but I think if you’re going to be a freak, you should commit. Let your freak flag fly 24/7. Wear your underwear outside of your clothes, dye your hair pink and blue and tell everyone you were inspired by a box of Nerds, write fan mail to Daft Punk and meow like a cat in public. This is your life, and, if you don’t go crazy every now and then, you’re going to be a boring old person with no stories to tell your grandkids. Do you really want your grandkids to hate you? Your future popularity in the retirement home hinges upon what you do right now! As for the bedroom, freakiness is always encouraged. Vanilla sex is so 2011. This might be your last year to try that crazy position you read about in Cosmo, so you better try it soon. Channel your inner Missy Elliott, and get your freak on.
5. Do good things.If you’re in a relationship, do your best not to cheat on them or lie to them or hurt them in some way. These things happen, I know. I’ve cheated, and I’ve been cheated on. In both situations, it hurts really badly. If you’re single, try not to be the person anyone cheats with. Don’t be cruel. Don’t be vindictive. Don’t gossip. Valentine’s Day fills our material world with hearts of all shapes and sizes, so remember how fragile we all really are. We’re all about two ignored text messages away from losing it on any given day, so let’s all be nice to each other. Let’s all be each other’s valentines. I’ll go first. I love you! Your turn.
I just want you all to be happy and hopeful and sexually satisfied, all of the time. Valentine’s Day is no different than any other day, except we have even more opportunities to tell people we love them. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend how much you care. Call your parents. Call your grandparents. Call your uncle who lives alone. Text all your friends. Kiss your dog. Hug yourself really tight today and every day.
Valentine’s Day has potential to be a serious bummer, but it’s up to you. Don’t hate today. Embrace it! Make up your own romantic resolutions and see what happens. Today’s going to be just fine, and, even if it isn’t, look on the bright side — all the candy’s going to be on sale tomorrow! Happy Valentine’s Day to all and to all a good night.
Rachel Perkins is a senior majoring in English. She can be contacted at [email protected].