College is about finding yourself. I think about the idea of “self” a lot because I’m a 21-year-old middle class white girl without much else to think about.
I also spend a lot of time freaking out about relationships. So how do the two function together? How do we retain ourselves within a relationship?
As children, we’re taught to take care of ourselves. We must brush our hair, wash our hands and look both ways before crossing the street. Playing house in the backyard, we masqueraded as adults. We became as self preserving as we could be in velcro shoes and bucket hats.
The Golden Rule indoctrinated us from a young age to take care of others, as well. As humans, we are immersed in a world of etiquette, rules and standards for how to handle the people around us.
As we grow older, we put ourselves on the line to do this completely insane thing called “dating” in which we place our happiness and sense of self worth in someone else’s hands.  Humans need companionship in some way or another.
How do we keep ourselves healthy within the relationship? As in all things, we must learn to take care of ourselves first. This means keeping track of yourself. It isn’t easy, as anyone who’s been in a relationship can attest.
To begin, take a deep look in the mirror, or a reflecting pool, or a well-polished spoon. See. That’s you. Try and remember the year you were born. That year you’re thinking of? You’ve been you since that year.
We aren’t born with the ability to feed ourselves, or use a toilet or read. But we learn those things. We become independent. You were a complete and total human before anyone ever asked you on a date, or kissed you or gave you the most amazing sex of your life.
It might not feel that way. You’re in a relationship, and you’re happier than you’ve ever been, right? I know. Be happy. Soak in the warmth of it, sweat in it. Just remember, you knew happiness before this. If this ends, you will know happiness again. Take some moments.
Relationships require a certain amount of dependence. I need to know I can depend on you to treat me well, to stay loyal to me and to not make fun of me when I start crying in the supermarket. You can depend on me to return your calls, to love you as much as my heart can stand and to never tell your friends how much time you actually spend getting ready.
If you’re not dependent at all, you’re not in a relationship. You’re probably dating a pillow or something. (And I’m sure he’s the best pillow in town!) Just be sure you’re not dependent on anyone else for your sense of self worth.
In a good relationship, someone will bring out the best parts of you. The thing is, they were already there! You’re happy with that person not because of how great they are but because of how great you feel with them. It isn’t selfish; it’s human. Maybe selfish is human. That’s okay. See the word “self” in that word “selfish”?
You found somebody, and they found you. They fell in love with you because of who you are. You were awesome to begin with.
Spend time alone. Make sure your alone time is dedicated to you. Don’t let your only alone time coincide with homework time or grocery shopping time. Watch a movie by yourself. Read a book. Do something, by yourself, that benefits only you.
Keep your friends. It’s easy to get wrapped up in a relationship. Make sure you’re still hanging out with your friends. Get to know your partner’s friends, too. Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. Actually, all friends are diamonds. (Except anyone who is a jerk to you. Jerks are rhinestones.)
Relationships are awesome, but they’re hard work. Be as good to your significant so-and-so as you can, but be good to yourself, as well. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. Hell, maybe you will get married. You’re going to need yourself more than ever if that happens, though. You’re all you’ve got, but you’re all you need. You’re amazing. I know it. (Unless you’re a jerk, but I’m almost positive you aren’t because all my articles get printed in jerk-proof ink. Take that, jerks of the world!)
I want the best for you, especially when it comes to love and relationships and other Comp I essay topics. Don’t lose yourself. Take care of yourself.