We probably should have seen this one coming. Thursday night, that golem we keep locked in the first floor kitchen of Sessums Hall freed itself.
Campus security responded to complaints about the sound of large volumes of dirt being dragged across peoples’ ceilings around three in the morning. When security arrived at the scene, one resident assistant was found unresponsive in the east staircase. Paramedics evacuated the individual, who was pronounced dead an hour later.
Witnesses report seeing Golem strike the RA, but preliminary coroner reports insist the victim had pre-existing conditions that made them susceptible to Golem attacks.
University President Mark Keenum’s announcement last year of his plan to arm the school with a “secular golem” has not been without criticisms.
“(A secular golem) isn’t even a thing,” said one religious studies professor. “Golems are Jewish folklore, and Keenum’s insistence that his golem ‘was supposed to be for everyone,’ ignores loads of definitive requirements of the golem. They are literally necessarily Jewish.”
Though Keenum told the school that he had permanently isolated the golem, an anonymous sanitation worker said Keenum has been visiting the golem daily.
“I’m still not sure what Dr. Keenum was thinking,” the sanitation worker said. “He came sat with it for a couple hours a night, and read it selections from ‘Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind.’ Pretty soon, Dr. Keenum told me the golem’s name was Little Mark, and he was teaching him chess.”
No official statement has been released on whether Keenum successfully made the golem realize its own consciousness, but eye-witness accounts of the fugitive goliath report that he is going by Big Mark now. He can allegedly be spotted loitering around the new outdoor chess tables by the library, though we were unable to independently confirm this.
Editor’s note: April fools! All details, facts and figures in this Ye Deflector article were fabricated. Check back on Wednesday for your regularly scheduled content.