Aries: You will get slimed out by the meteorology majors if they catch you using Apple’s default weather app.

Taurus: No, the Reflector office is not Subway. Nice try, though, to the person who walked in and tried ordering a sandwich. 

Gemini: Trying to emulate Chappell Roan’s Grammys outfit will result in an emergency room visit. Do not test the gods this week.

Cancer: Scroll through the Oktibbeha County Jail mugshots for advice on your next move.

Leo: Do not let your thumb slip and click on the book ads about… hockey. They will redirect you to Amazon, and within minutes, your mom will call to ask why that is showing up on your shared account’s browsing history.

Virgo: A professor that responds with their initials a la BBC Sherlock will not write you an excellent reference letter.

Libra: Punxsutawney Phil will find himself on a charcoal grill this spring if he keeps acting up.

Scorpio: You will forget to take the meat out of the freezer. Time to pick up Cookout!

Sagittarius: Be wary of long journeys this week.

Capricorn: Some people in your life will remind you that stereotypes come about for a reason. For example, your biological anthropology teaching assistant using two BBC Sherlock references within the first 15 minutes of lab should not be surprising news.

Aquarius: The man in your Snapchat posting stories to Don Toliver’s newest album release will not provide for you.

Pisces: Watching Heated Rivalry TikTok edits before bed is actually an excellent way to self regulate. Keep doing you.