Ladies, now is your chance. The Super Bowl is over, the NCAA Tournament doesn’t start until March, the NBA playoffs are still a ways off and baseball season doesn’t start until April. If you are going to get your man’s attention, the time is now. If you do exactly as I tell you, you can get more work out of him and more attention from him than you ever thought possible.
But you have to follow my instructions to the letter:
First of all, you need to hide the remote control in some place he will never look, like in your makeup bag or one of your purses. Whenever he inquires as to its whereabouts, say, “I don’t know dear; you had it last.” If he hears this enough, he will become convinced that he indeed had it last and must have lost it sometime during the excitement of the post-Super Bowl analysis. He will then want to go to Wal-Mart and get a new one. Phase One complete.
Now we all know that men have a one-track mind. So he will no doubt be chanting “Get new remote” over and over again in his head while driving to Wal-Mart. Before leaving the house, find an obscure tape or CD that he used to listen to before you met him and play it in the car. This will get the “Get new remote” mantra out of his head and put in “Hey! I remember this song! Whatever happened to that group? Maybe VH1 can do a ‘Behind the Music’ on them!” He will then share this nugget of wisdom with you. You have gotten his mind off the remote, now you can plant anything you want in his head. Phase Two complete.
This next part is tricky, so pay attention. As soon as you pull into the Wal-Mart parking lot, he will begin to search his memory banks for the reason he went to Wal-Mart in the first place. Before he finds it, you must hit him with a barrage of things you want to pick up, look at, price or inquire about while you are here.
Hit him with everything from “I need to look for a new toaster,” to “I wonder if they have that brand of cheese spread that mother was telling me about this morning. You remember? It was the kind we ate at that party that we went to last March.” You have to be relentless. Keep hitting him with it as you cruise the aisles and pick up whatever it is that you need or just want.
Do not give him so much as a moment of silence. Silence is bad. It will help jog his memory and bring it back to his precious remote. You cannot let that happen. Before you know it, your shopping will be done, and he’ll be driving you home, remote-less and not wanting anything to do with Wal-Mart. Phase Three complete.
With your shopping done, you can now focus on the house. Convince him that the yard would make a great putting green. Before you know it, you’ll have an immaculate lawn. If he still pines for his remote, convince him that it’s under the dirty clothes because you saw the cat playing with it there. He’ll get so frustrated looking for it in those clothes that he’ll want to wash them to get them out of the way. Trust me, it works.
If you want your dishes done, tell him that you’re dying for him to grill some steaks. He will see the dirty dishes and say, “Me can no cook with fire. Me no have clean dishes to put meat on.” Presto, your dishes are washed!
Of course, when he gets done, he’ll realize that there’s no charcoal, and that he’ll have to go to Wal-Mart to get some. If you’ve done your job correctly, he will recoil at the thought of going back to Wal-Mart. He’ll then suggest eating out. Now’s your chance to get him to spring for a nice dinner at your favorite fancy restaurant.
Now this can’t go on forever. He will eventually sneak out and buy a new remote without you knowing, or he will bug you to the point that you simply give it back. By that time, the playoffs will be in full swing, baseball season will be under way and he’ll be lost to you until the end of the next Super Bowl. But these proven steps can help you get maximum results in a minimal time frame.
Margaret Odom is a junior communication major.