A few days ago, I noticed fine lines and wrinkles around my forehead and eyes. This disturbed me because I know that the most important thing about a person is how they look. Fortunately for me, that night while I watched “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” the solution came to me in the form of a commercial. The commercial asked if I had lost my wow. Since I had forgotten where I had put my wow last time I had it, I was intrigued.
The commercial promised that I could regain my youthful looks with only a few injections of Botox. Forgetting all about Buffy, who obviously hasn’t lost her wow, I rushed to the phone to consult with my personal physician, Ima Foolinya, DQM (Doctor of Quackery Medicine). What follows is the transcript of our conversation.
Me: Dr. Foolinya, I’ve lost my wow!
Dr. Foolinya: Again? Did you look under the bed?
Me: Seriously, Doc, I’ve got to get it back-and I know how. I want Botox. I know there are legitimate medical uses for it, but I want to use it to look younger. Please, Doc, I want to inject military-grade neurotoxins into my face. You have to help me!
Dr. Foolinya: Well, I have noticed you looking quite a bit like a Shar-Pei. Sure we can do it, and if we play our cards right, we might be able to get your insurance to pay for it. We will just tell them it is for eyelid spasms. That’s a legitimate use for it, so we should be able to get them to pay.
Me: But, Doc, isn’t that a little, um, illegal?
Dr. Foolinya: Do you want your wow back?
Me: Anything for the sake of beauty. So tell me, Doc, are there any side effects to the treatments?
Dr. Foolinya: According to the Botox Cosmetic Web site, the most often reported side effects were headache, respiratory infection, temporary eyelid droop, nausea and flu syndrome. Nothing to worry about.
Me: Um, aren’t some of those the same things the Center for Disease Control lists as symptoms of the disease botulism?
Dr. Foolinya: Do you want to be beautiful?
Me: At any cost. Speaking of cost, can you tell me how about how much it cost me for the privilege of injecting poison in my face if we were not able to get my insurance to cover it?
Dr. Foolinya: Normally it would cost you anywhere from $300 to $2,000, but there are sites on the Internet where you can find it for as low as $75. I will make an exception for you, however. $10-today only. What a bargain!
Me: But if I paid more money, would I not get better results?
Dr. Foolinya: What gives you that idea? I’ll make up the difference when you return for maintenance on your new look. The more treatments you have, the more toxin you are going to need.
Me: One more question, Dr. Foolinya. Will I have to miss any classes after I have the procedure?
Dr. Foolinya: It’s not like you go to classes anyway, but no, you can have the procedure done in less than an hour. You may feel some mild pain and numbness, but you can function with that.
Me: You’ve convinced me, Doc. When can we start?
I am happy to report that I am enjoying my new look. Everyone has been most complimentary about how young I look. My husband especially likes my new ability to only communicate in gestures and grunts. However, please do me a favor. If you see me on campus, please wipe the drool off my chin.
Margaret Odom is a junior communication major.