Caesar Barber, a 56-year-old maintenance worker from the Bronx, N.Y., is suing McDonald’s, Burger King and KFC in a class action lawsuit claiming that their greasy, salty foods made him fat and unhealthy. According to his lawyer, fast food companies have an obligation to tell customers that their food can be unhealthy. Barber has suffered two heart attacks and is diabetic because of his obesity and a diet high in fat, salt, sugar and cholesterol. “They never explained to me what I was eating,” Barber said.
Apparently, McDonald’s has started going to people’s houses and force-feeding them Big Macs and hot apple pies until they pop. This is likely what happened to Barber. Barber was probably sitting at home, minding his own business and eating bran muffins and tofu when the flab terrorists struck.
Only an idiot of the highest caliber would eat greasy burgers, potatoes cooked in rendered animal fat and fatty animal parts dipped in a hot cholesterol bath and think that they were eating healthy. I mean, that would be an issue of personal responsibility. That would be kind of nutty, like suing tobacco companies for people who choose to smoke of their own volition and then die of lung cancer (not that something like that would ever happen).
If it were an issue of personal responsibility, then Barber’s lawsuit would be a complete fraud and a blatant attempt to get money he didn’t earn. Of course, there’s also the outside chance that nobody is responsible for the bad things that happen to them. If that is the case, I would like to file a few lawsuits.
I’d like to sue Hootie and the Blowfish for their second album, Fairweather Johnson. I have blank CD’s that are better than that thing. I knew that I was in trouble when I went to buy it, and the guy who sold it to me apologized in advance.
I’d like to sue Oprah Winfrey for recommending the book “Paradise” by Toni Morrison. I’m the furthest thing from a book-burner, but after reading that one, I’d be willing to make an exception. My bird has defecated on finer literature.
While I’m at it, I’ll sue Wesley Snipes for making the movie “Blade 2.” He should have called it “Bland 2.” That movie was more predictable than something that already happened. And Kris Kristofferson should just forget about being a movie star. This guy got bad reviews in his own home movies.
Here’s an idea: let’s sue the entire state of Alabama. I mean, it’s Alabama. Do you really need a viable reason?
While I’m at it, I may as well sue the producers of “Jackass: The Movie.” I’ve never attempted any of the stunts on there; I’ve not been hurt by anybody attempting stunts on there; I didn’t even see it. I just figure that blaming “Jackass” is the new “in” thing to do.
I’m sure that if I use some crazy logic or come to some inane conclusions, I can find some way that this movie is responsible for something bad happening to me.
Then, I think I’ll sue my husband for leaving the seat up. Honestly, if I slip and sit in cold water one more time….
Margaret Odom is a junior communication major.