I’ve heard it said that there are three people who you should always tip: your waiter, your barber and your pizza guy.
This seems like sound advice, considering that all three have the potential to punish an uneducated customer. That is, one who is uneducated in the art of the tip.
Let’s take the barber, for instance. A barber who knows the guy or girl is only going to pay the necessary amount may be motivated to teach the customer a subtle lesson. An errant snip here, a careless buzz there and “Oops! Tiny mistake sir, but no one will be able to notice.”
But a barber is somewhat limited in his punishing power. First of all, he is held accountable on the spot because in most barber shops there are mirrors everywhere. Thus, an attentive customer can easily catch a mistake. And if a barber does a bad job, you just never go back to him.
Now, food service, that’s a different story.
Waiters and delivery drivers, who are basically just waiters in cars, get to spend intimate time alone with your food before you ever get to see it. They determine how quickly your food gets to you and in what condition it arrives.
A waiter with a grim premonition that he will not receive a tip can do several things.
Of course, there’s the sick stuff that they show you in movies and on television, but that’s reserved for extreme cases. At least, I hope it is.
A more likely scenario is that your food will be left out to cool or simply handled roughly. The non-tipping customer may receive a meal that has reached room temperature or food that has been prepared by unwashed hands.
Incidences of spitting in food, or worse concoctions, are not the norm in food service. However, if so compelled by the past, present or expected future behavior of a particularly disagreeable customer, a waiter just might decide to cross that line.
But in a restaurant there are managers, cooks and other servers that may witness such uncivilized behavior and immediately put a stop to it, assuming they’re unsympathetic to the waiter’s struggle.
This is not so for pizza guys. Oh, no.
Pizza guys are alone with your food for long stretches of time. No managers, no coworkers and no customers around. And on top of that, they’re mobile.
They can take your food wherever they please before eventually bringing it to you, thus opening up a wide and fascinating new array of sabotage.
So if you’re not afraid of an occasional unexpectedly crunchy bite in your food or spending a little extra time on the toilet, just relax. But if you want the peace of mind of knowing that this will never happen to you, the answer is simple: tip.
First, let me be clear on one thing. There’s a difference between change and a tip.
Change equals anything given that rounds up only to the next dollar. Whether it’s one cent or 99 cents, anything less than a dollar is only change. A tip is born when the person receiving the service gives 100 cents or more over the total to the person providing the service.
A server usually gets change when the person receiving the service doesn’t want to hassle with loose coins or wants to send a message to the server. A tip is given when the person receiving the service wishes to express true appreciation for the job that the server has done.
“Keep the change” is a heck of a phrase because it can mean so much. Such a wide range of emotion, mood and motive can be communicated through this simple gesture. So much information about the speaker can be extracted, whether for careful analysis or to be immediately forgotten.
The tone of voice can tell you a lot. Are the words kept short, rushed or almost spit out? This comes off as dismissive. If you’re a pizza guy, they want you off their porch. If you’re a waiter, they want to get out of your restaurant.
Body language is an indicator as well.
If the customer avoids eye contact, it probably means that they realize what they’re doing when they stiff you, but their shame isn’t quite strong enough to move them to action.
Some people don’t tip because they honestly can’t afford to pay any more than the cost of the food. And while I respect this, I’ve always thought that someone who can’t afford to tip a waiter or a pizza guy shouldn’t be eating out to begin with. You can take that same amount of money to a grocery store and get a lot more food; you’ll just have to prepare it yourself.
But most people that don’t tip are just cheap. And you would be surprised at some of the people who don’t tip. Some folks in big nice houses with several big nice cars parked outside in their big nice driveway will write you a foul little check for the exact amount. No tip, no change, no nothing.
Or maybe it’s just that some people don’t know how much to tip.
$5 is a good tip for just about any dining experience. Whether you’re eating at a restaurant or ordering out, $5 will generally guarantee you prompt, reliable, friendly service on your next order.
Can’t afford $5? Tip one through four. It beats just giving change.
And to all the big moneymakers out there, have you grown tired of flossing your material possessions? Have you added every possible accessory to your car and put a flat screen television on every wall of your high-end apartment and still aren’t satisfied? Do you need a new medium for flaunting your money?
Then tip!
Tip big, too. Tip recklessly. Tip like a real high roller would, not like some poser.
Leave exorbitant amounts of money on the table when you leave a restaurant. Leave so much money that you’re concerned that customers or other waiters might walk by and be tempted to grab a few dollars before your waiter can get back to bus your table.
Order pizza every night of the week and pay the guy with a crisp $50, regardless of how much your pizza and cheese sticks cost.
In this instance, it’s OK to be a jerk at the door. You can open the door with a sour look on your face, snatch the pizza out of the guy’s hands, shove the bill in his face and slam the door behind you without ever saying a word. For any tip over $10, you can pretty much do anything you want. Just don’t lay a hand on him, because the pizza guy will throw you down on your own front porch if he has to.