Q: Dr. Feel, my boyfriend of eight months is in New Orleans for Mardi Gras this entire weekend and won’t be returning until Wednesday. He went even though he knew I didn’t want him to and would worry about his whereabouts for the entire weekend. I don’t even think he was going to bring me with him in the first place, since after I told him I didn’t want him to go he never mentioned it to me again. He’s with a group of his friends, which I think is mostly guys, but his details were vague when I asked him who was going. I’m considering leaving him for this, but would that be overreacting?
A: As this paper goes out, it will already be Fat Tuesday, and you will probably be preparing for your naughty boy’s return to Starkville. You probably won’t be the only girl on campus with a wild boy down in the Big Easy. As you probably know, at Mardi Gras, absolutely anything goes. On normal weekends Bourbon Street is anything but tame. You won’t even have to peek in the clubs to know that. From what you’re telling me, your worries are justified.
We’re all familiar with the clich “boys will be boys.” It’s crap. It is just an excuse some guys came up with to run around and act like disembodied male members. The idea that guys can act like this while women are expected to maintain a level of decency is a staggering double standard.
But the debate here is exactly how much knowledge and control girls should have concerning their guys’ activities. History has shown that too much control, too early in the relationship, can be disastrous. Ever been in the mall and seen a guy walk by wearing a collar with his girlfriend holding the leash? That’s what happens, figuratively.
What seems to work best in relationships is when those involved voluntarily keep their significant others informed of their location and plans. It’s one thing to expect it, it’s another to demand it. As for your specific case, it would have been courteous of your boyfriend to at least inform you of his whereabouts. Considering his destination, it sounds like your questioning was reasonable and that you did a fair job of playing it cool, at least before his departure. Your boyfriend’s response to your queries and concerns is indicative of further problems not so far down the road.
According to your description your boyfriend is doing nothing to maintain a level of trust. Trust is one of the top items required for a relationship to work. Since your boyfriend shunned you for your concerns, I would advise you to start looking in the available guys listings.
Some might suggest that your boyfriend is having a last hurrah with his friends before he gets too serious with you.
I would disagree, just from the way you described the circumstances. It sounds like he wants you to remain in the dark about his weekend, and if he’s wanting to maintain open communication and trust in the relationship, he’s going about it in the worst way possible.
Considering that you didn’t automatically end the relationship, but put a good deal of reasonable thought into this, I think you could do much better in the guy department.
Barry Kirsch is a senior chemical engineer major. He can receive your relationship questions at [email protected].