The end of another school year is nearing, and for me and hundreds of other seniors, graduation is impending. Yes, we celebrate the end of our undergraduate years and-for most of us-the end of our college careers by dressing funny and sitting through a long, boring ceremony in order to get a sheet of paper. Oh yes, be sure to return the funny outfits. Your actual diploma will be mailed to you. And remember to send the university money in the future.
In the meantime, all you have is a sore sitter and pictures of masses of tiny people. Your family assures you that you are in the pictures, and you get to play Where’s Waldo.
Still, graduation is something we all have to go through. It’s the end of an era in our life and the beginning of a new one. Much like when we must go through our high school prom or a wedding ceremony. As much as we might like to skip it, or at least drink a sip of punch and leave early, we have to go through the motions.
Yet have you actually earned your college diploma? Yes, you’ve taken in the necessary class credits and have at least absorbed some of the course material. But that’s not all to your education, is it?
I should say not. Anyone will tell you that college isn’t about going to class and doing school projects at all. If it was, we would take all the courses off the Internet. After all, it would be so much cheaper to live at home, and you wouldn’t have to do your own laundry or anything (unless, of course, you lived with my mother).
There are certain things that you have to experience in college that you just can’t get anywhere else. Even if you can get them at other places, college is the most convenient place to learn and experience these things.
First off, there are certain movies that you cannot graduate from college without seeing at least once. You may think people watch some of these movies way before college. Try again, buddy! I know plenty of people, especially freshmen, who haven’t seen “Monty Python and the Holy Grail,” “The Breakfast Club,” “Wayne’s World,” “The Princess Bride,” “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” and, most horrifyingly, the original Star Wars trilogy. Horrors stack upon horrors like so many pancakes.
In fact, there should be a watching list so no one misses out on this vital information. Quoting Napoleon Dynamite just won’t cut it.
Before you leave the hallowed halls of MSU, you have to become hopelessly addicted to at least one thing on the Internet. I don’t care if it’s Thefacebook, your blog or livejournal, downloading… um… non-copyrighted materials or a Web site like Homestar Runner. Porn doesn’t count. Anyone can be addicted to that.
Blogs are the best addiction because you waste hours and hours telling the three people who may read your blog that you got gypped at the vending machine that day.
I don’t remember much of my freshman trig class, but I do remember one thing: stretch food as long as possible. This is the most invaluable skill you can learn. It doesn’t even have to do with saving money. You can have plenty of dough to blow on Ebay items, but still feel the need to make every crumb of food count. If there’s free food, follow the example of our squirrel friends and store up some reserves for later. Always go out to eat at places where you know you’ll have leftovers.
And, once you’ve run out of reserves, there’s always The Union. You cannot be called a human being if you haven’t had the Wendy’s Chicken Mozzarella Supreme. Seriously. Trust me on this one.
Finally, you must learn to live in absolute and utter filth. It doesn’t matter if the filth is your or someone else’s. Most of you are probably living in this state now, especially since we’re finally paying attention to our grades. Don’t even bother to disturb the dust until you’re moving out. You don’t have to completely clean the books off your bed. After all, maybe some of that knowledge will seep into your head during sleep. And you can always get the iron pick and saw to the dishes later. Just keep your trusty can of Glade around and don’t invite anyone over.
Just like the Grand Tour that young Europeans took in centuries past taught needed habits like drinking and gambling, college teaches us invaluable life lessons that we will most assuredly take and practice wherever we go. So when you finally get to that graduation ceremony, give a cheer and throw your hat in the air, because, despite the best effort from your family and professors, you’re going into the world completely corrupted.