I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’ve concluded that baseball is a slow, boring, tactless and generally unentertaining pasttime.
But the game could be great if just a few of these suggestions could become reality.
First, you should get one strike. That’s right. One chance. Why do you get all these chances anyway? Does a quarterback get another immediate chance after he throws an interception? No. Does a basketball player get the ball back after it’s stolen? No. You must hit the ball on the first try, or your inaccuracy and incompetence will be rewarded with an out. Of course, this rule eliminates the need for a catcher, but who cares? Catchers are uninteresting.
Second, no balls. Since the batter would get one chance, the pitcher can’t throw a ball even if it’s an accident. If he does, the pitcher should be held by guards while the batter proceeds to pound him relentlessly with one of those steel baseball bats. You’re a pitcher-throw a straight pitch, or go back to valet parking.
Third, if a ball hits you, you’re out of the game. It doesn’t matter if you’re at bat or on the field. You’re an athlete (supposedly). You shouldn’t allow balls to smash into you. This rule would also encourage players to throw solid objects at one another. It may not be safe, but at least you won’t need shock therapy to stay awake.
Fourth, no foul balls. What is with this soft foul ball crap? Foul balls are a way to make it easier on the defense. Forget that. If you think you’re such a hotshot, cover the entire field. Or leave like a frightened cheerleader.
Fifth, when you hit a ball, there will be no indecisiveness on whether to stay on base or not because only sissies do this. A base should no longer be a safe haven for jittery pansies. If you stop at a base and the baseman catches the ball afterward, you’re out; in other words, you must make it home after a hit. If you don’t, you can’t hit the ball right, you’re too slow or you shouldn’t play baseball.
Sixth, there should only be five innings. Baseball can only be described as a lethargic, prolonged session on the porcelain throne without a magazine to read; therefore, nine innings are too much. You only have five innings to win. This rule will make players work harder or cause a severe amount of stress. Either way, it’s entertaining.
Seventh, extra innings should be limited. Extra innings can make baseball less fun than getting your tongue stuck in a bicycle spoke. Three extra innings should be allowed. If no one can win, both teams get 10 losses. I’m not kidding: you’re out there to win-do your job or learn how to sew.
Eighth, homers are lame. Hitting a ball into the stands should not constitute a run. If you hit a ball into the crowd, they can throw the ball back onto the field. This way, the fans become part of the game, and more anxiety rests on the batter.
Ninth, baseball outfits should be overhauled. No more tradition; no more tight pants. What is this, ballet? You can’t get good footing without your precious cleats? Then sit on the couch and watch “Desperate Housewives.” Baseball players should wear tunics and robes from biblical times and run barefoot. It would be fun to see a player trip on his outfit. Also, no more gloves. Catch the ball with your bare hands. Let’s see agony. Let’s see if you’re really sacrificing something to win.
Finally, every player should be on drugs. I don’t care what you take. Before each game, you must abuse a substance that will boost your performance or make it hilarious for us to watch. Crack, heroin, acid-whatever. But no steroids. If you take steroids, go to the gym and lift with the other vein-covered geniuses. And no chewing tobacco. This conveys calmness. Baseball should not be a calm game. Stress, anxiety, paranoia and nervous breakdowns should happen at every game.
For those of you who hate baseball, write letters and hopelessly wish for the implementation of these rules. For those who love baseball, either continue with your passion or promote a couple of these rules that you think are reasonable. Also, if you protest, you should conjure up a nice slogan like “Baseball has struck out” or “We need a home run-not really.”