I’ve always considered myself a feminist. It’s not that I have something against men or that I need the label to define myself. I don’t even have any compulsion to burn my bra.
Actually, I just think that feminism is common sense. I refuse to be defined by a man. All genders are equal, and no one has the right to take any rights away based on gender. I know the insidious subtle influence of prejudice against women is alive and well. Finally, I deny traditionalist roles and stereotypes of women.
The problem came when I decided to get married.
I don’t care what anyone says. Unless she elopes, it’s nearly impossible for a feminist to stay sane while getting married.
Don’t misunderstand me. I wouldn’t even plan to marry if I didn’t already have an egalitarian relationship with a wonderful man who respects me.
It’s all about the wedding.
Seriously, people. Weddings are the most patriarchal ceremony practiced today. Sure, the idea of the ceremony is firmly tied to marriage, at least in the minds of everyone around you who has been asking why you’re past 20 and still not married. But if you do wait until you know you’re getting married, or at least until you can legally drink champagne at the reception, you’ve still got a few obstacles in planning the ceremony itself.
Now, I know most people who follow the traditional format do not intend to celebrate men’s domination over women. For my part, I plan to wear a beautiful white gown and walk down the aisle with my father and meet my groom at the front of the church. That’s not because I believe that my father is presenting me as an unblemished package of goods to my husband.
Instead, I’ll be so crazy that I’ll need my father holding my hand so I don’t fall down in front of everybody.
But there have been things that I’ve come up against. My main problem has been when I’ve unwittingly tried to break from tradition. Until the other day, I had no idea that most people register at McRae’s instead of Wal-Mart. I didn’t know the groom was not supposed to see the wedding dress until I walk down the aisle.
With all that I don’t know, as well as all that I don’t agree with, these wedding plans have been difficult to say the least.
But those little traditions are trivial. I can either adhere to them or simply do away with them. After all, it is my wedding.
It’s just the attitude that surrounds a wedding. A wedding is supposed to be the most important event in a woman’s life. It’s the one moment in a woman’s life that justifies her as a person.
At least, that’s the vibe I get whenever I read a bridal magazine.
The best thing I’ve done for myself is not follow the advice of bridal magazines and books. Preparation for a wedding apparently begins 10 months before the actual event-no matter when your fianc proposes to you.
According to the majority of these magazines, the groom practically doesn’t matter (as long as he looks good in a tux). If you have the perfect dress, cake, flowers, catering service and photographer to take a million pictures of every combination of people in every pose, then you have reached a state of transcendence.
Honestly, I don’t understand all the craziness about weddings. I always pictured it to be a party with friends and family. Have a nosh with Heath and Angela.
The stress and worry did bother me at first. I thought it was impossible to keep my sanity and my feminist integrity. But I’ve learned to cope.
You just have to learn to compromise. Give in to others’ plans in things that don’t matter to you. Put your foot down concerning things that do matter to you.
Just remember: once you get out of that reception and on the road, you can begin what you were getting married for in the first place: the honeymoon.