Sup, dudes. As you learned in my last article, I am a man of worldly predilections. I have traveled the globe many a time over, including one trip out of America. I have indulged in the fruits of all cultures. I have eaten Mexican food, Italian food, African food and yes, even African-American food.
I even have friends from other countries, however unlikely that might sound. I make a point of speaking to them on occasion, when I’m feeling up to dealing with their silly accents. This open-ear policy is in line with my current motto in life, which is, “You’ll never learn anything in this life if you don’t at least sometimes pretend to care about other people’s nonsense opinions.”
So imagine the surprise and chagrin that I felt when my French friend told me just before Christmas that she doesn’t understand why peanut butter is so popular in America. Here I was, being open-minded and listening to her opinions, and she’s hating on one of my favorite delicious, spreadable treats. Anyway, I decided to put it behind me and move on.
Fast forward a few weeks, and I’m now finding out about this “coincidental” recall on products that contain peanut butter. Apparently, millions of pounds of peanut butter have “somehow” been contaminated with salmonella. Companies have already recalled 130 products, and nearly 500 people have fallen ill. Weird, right?
Regardless, I don’t want to make light of the situation, and I don’t want to point any fingers. The contamination has happened, and we can’t change the past. I can, however, help you change the future.
So, for the peanut butter advocates out there, listen up. Peanut butter detractors, feel free to stop reading here. This no longer concerns you, and frankly I’d rather you not be reading my articles in general.
Now, the first step in avoiding the salmonella outbreak is to destroy all of your stores of peanut butter. The FDA does not endorse this strategy (they claim the major national brands of jarred peanut butter are still safe), but let’s be real here. Err on the side of caution and burn all of your peanut butter products. Burn them in effigy.
The next step is to find a replacement product. Luckily, being a man of worldly predilections, I’ve got just the product for the occasion. It’s called Nutella. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. If not, then it’s about damn time you did.
This is the perfect time for Nutella, which originated in Italy, to become as ubiquitous in the United States as it is in my cupboard. It’s just like peanut butter, except it’s made with hazelnuts (more than 50 per jar) and it’s chocolatey. You can find it in the same area as peanut butter at your local grocery. It’s the product whose jar gleefully declares that it’s “spreadably delicious.”
If I were in charge of marketing for Nutella, I’d be advertising the hell out of it in America. I think a simple slogan would suffice, something along the lines of “Nutella: It’s Not Even Poisonous.” I wouldn’t even think less of the company for exploiting the salmonella issue. This tragic spreadable food dearth has no foreseeable end, as far as I know. We might as well enjoy it.
Robert Scribner is a graduate student majoring in business administration. He can be contacted at [email protected].