Well, if there was ever any doubt as to whether or not anyone reads my articles, I’ve had that completely cleared up by what happened last Friday. In my article, which ran that morning, I clearly stated not to eat human flesh (which I thought was a pretty reasonable thing to ask). And yet, on the very same day, at about 1 p.m., an ungodly horde of zombies rampaged across campus looking for human flesh. Seriously, guys, of all the days you could have picked to feast on the living, did you have to go with the one where I specifically advised you not to?
All the same, this sounded like something in which my loyal readers (or lack thereof) might be interested, so I arranged to meet with the masterminds behind the zombie walk, Jake Moore and Zack Wolfe. Fellow Reflector opinion writer Julio Cespedes tagged along, after begging me several times to let him come. A summary of our talk is below.
McNeill: So I understand you’re planning on repeating this event next year. When can we expect to see it?
Jake: Graaagh!
Zack: Braaaains.
McNeill: Awesome. Now, as a lot of our readers know, the Lab Rats hosted a Zombie Walk earlier this year. How did this differ from it?
Jake: Graaagh!
Zack: glares hungrily
Julio: cowers in fear
McNeill: Interesting, interesting. So tell me, what do zombies do in their free time?
Zack: Graaa-oww [That was where I hit him with my clipboard.]
McNeill: Hey, cut that out. No biting.
At this point, Julio was shirking away cowardly.
Julio: whimpers quietly to himself
McNeill: Did you put a lot of time and effort into planning this event? Were your materials expensive?
Jake: Braaaaains!
McNeill: Wow, who would have thought? So regarding the event next year, what would you like to see differently?
Here, the zombies got distracted by the scent of Julio’s intense fear, which was so overpowering even I could smell it. They charged at him, and he managed to narrowly escape by tripping down a flight of stairs, falling out of their reach and screaming in an embarrassingly high-pitched voice.
McNeill: Let’s skip that question for now. I think the more important question, and the one that’s on everyone’s mind is as zombies, what are your thoughts on the health care debate?
Zack: Graaaagh!
Apparently zombies have a lot in common with normal Americans, because when I brought up health care, Zach got violent. He charged at me, and I fearlessly pushed him back, getting only a minimal amount of blood on my clothes. I could hear Julio crying.
McNeill: OK, let’s change the subject. What, in your opinion, is the capital of Zimbabwe?
Jake: Braaaains!
This was about the point when Julio began having what looked like a panic attack; he started yelling loudly. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I’m pretty sure it was racist.
Zack: Graaagh!
Zach lunged at Julio. In all the chaos, I didn’t really see what happened next, but given Julio’s dodging ability, I think it may have involved him getting torn apart limb from limb. Or maybe not, since he was fine after the interview. It’s hard to say, honestly.
McNeill: One last question: Overall, how satisfied were you with the event?
Jake: Graaagh!
I took this to mean “Julio is a coward.” That didn’t exactly answer my question, but I could see where he was coming from.
So, there you have it: everything you could ever want to know about the 2009 zombie walk straight from the source. And I only ended up with four bite marks, which is better than my interviews usually go. I think I’ll reward myself with some dinner – maybe some brains. I’ve developed a sudden, inexplicable craving for some brains.
McNeill Williford is a senior majoring in industrial engineering. He can be contacted at [email protected].