So here we are, a mere five days away from the biggest sporting event of the year – Super Bowl No. whatever. From what I’ve heard, the experts are predicting that this bowl might just be more super than any of its predecessors. And luckily for us, experts are very rarely wrong. I’m psyched, as you can tell. Thus, I’d like to talk a little bit about what’s going to go down in sunny, magical Miami this Sunday. Let’s take a look at the two teams: the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears. I must admit that I’m torn here. A lot of analysts have considered one of the key factors to be the formidability of both the Colts offense and the Bears defense. Others talk about Peyton Manning’s history of playoff mishaps. These are not what interest me.
First of all, I’ve always felt a team is only as good as its worst player. Obviously, that leaves us with the match-up between Colts third-string defensive back Tim Jennings and Bears third-string cornerback Dante Wesley. And boy howdy, these guys are terrible. They’re so bad that they practically never even play! I can’t even decide on who is worse here, so I’ll call this one a toss-up.
Second, it’s always a good idea to look at each team’s coaching staff. Of course, one is tempted to comment on the fact that for the first time in Super Bowl history, both head coaches are black. I don’t really see what this has to do with the game, but apparently it’s important.
Next, one must wonder who would win in a match-up between an actual bear and an actual colt. Now this is an easy one. In the words of Stephen Colbert, bears are “heartless, godless, marauding killing machines.” A bear would probably murder a colt in its sleep before the fight even started. Advantage bears and Bears.
Taking all of that into account, here’s my prediction: Colts 175, Bears 2 in three overtimes. And it’s going to be awesome, but not as awesome as it could have been.
This leads me to my final point, which I would like to voice in the form of a question: Is there really not any way in which we could just go ahead and stick the Saints in there?
Yeah, I know they lost, but they’re America’s team after all. They have been for two years now. I think we can all agree that they “oughta” be there.
When you consider everything our boys from New Orleans have been through, it’s really a no-brainer. I don’t think it matters which team they replace. Heck, all three teams could play at once for all I care.
In the very least, distribute their players randomly between the Colts and Bears rosters. If you happen to be reading this, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, then in the very least consider definitely doing this. For me, as a personal favor. Come on, be a saint, Roger.