Would you enjoy the right to legally perform weddings, funerals, baptisms and other ministry functions in almost all states pretty much immediately? For John Ballard, the answer to this question was a vehement yes. That is why Ballard joined the Universal Life Church through the Internet. And in a few days, Ballard will receive his official minister ordination in the mail. You see, the ULC is an actual legitimate organization, with a brick-and-mortar church building, for followers of all peaceful religions.
Founded in 1959 by the Rev. Kirby J. Hensley, the ULC holds that the proper religion may be different between individuals and that no one should be condemned for practicing what he truly believes. Thus, the ULC will ordain anyone as a minister for free. That’s right – even women and homosexuals!
Sounds horrible, right? According to Ballard, it’s not. I sat down with Ballard, separated by a mere 100 miles and chatted with him about it on AOL Instant Messenger.
Scribner: Hello, John. So you’re now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church?
Ballard: Yep, since last Friday at approximately 5:30 a.m. [John then used an emoticon, or smiley, with a halo over its head.]
Scribner: LOL. Do you have any sort of authentication to prove your ordination?
Ballard: Well, not officially. My credentials are in the mail AS WE SPEAK (or type…LOL). But I do have a hastily printed and generally fake-looking version of my credentials printed in haste from my inkjet printer.
Scribner: Is it pretty?
Ballard: Oh my Universal God, it is the most beautiful think you’ve ever seen. The lights of its holiness literally burn out the eyes of non-believers. [An emoticon wearing sunglasses.]
Scribner: As a member of the ULC, can you explain what the church means to you?
Ballard: “Everything on the Earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it, and every person a mission. This is the Indian theory of existence.” — Mourning Dove, Salish. That’s the quote of the day from their Web site [found at ULC.net]. IMHO, it pretty much sums things up.
Scribner: Do you think that it’s stupid or cool? In other words, do you love it? Or do you hate it?
Ballard: Well, I think in essence, it is both stupid and cool, but the fact that I’m learning the ministry as I go makes me love it as well as hate it.
Scribner: How does one go about obtaining ordination? Is it difficult?
Ballard: Yes, well, it’s an extremely difficult and grueling process, much like becoming a real minister. They require a blood sample, a burnt offering (I used a goat) and a complete background profile, as well as a grueling battery of tests … LOL, J/K! I gave them my name and e-mail. [An emoticon sticking out its tongue.]
Scribner: Well, congratulations and thanks for your time, John. You truly are a resplendent and honorable servant to our Lord. Bye-bye.
Ballard: Bai!
So if you’re looking for someone to legally solemnize your marriage, look no further. Truly, ordination into the ministry of the ULC has changed Ballard’s life for the better.