Last Friday, I picked up a Reflector to peruse my colleague Jed Pressgrove’s opinion column, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the date of the paper. As it turned out, April was rapidly approaching. Amazingly, it was approaching so rapidly that it is now already here. I immediately finished his column as fast as I could, highlighted key points, framed it and then sat down to ponder the ramifications of this rapid, recent development. As unbelievable as it was, the first quarter of 2007 had already transpired, and only one month of school remained. I realized that I had better get in gear if I expect to pass this semester, which I do, sort of. And you sort of should, too.
Even if you’ve already given up, it’s not too late to salvage a legitimate grade in any of your courses. With this in mind, I have strategically developed a few strategies for coping with the overwhelming pressures of the everyday problems that we all experience on a weekly basis. So if you want to finish strongly this semester, read on. If you don’t want that, then still read on.
No. 1: eliminate all activities that don’t pertain directly to your studies. Stop playing intramural sports. Stop playing World of Warcraft. Quit your job. Drop the baby off at his grandparents’ condo. These are only a few of the lesser burdens that affect your grades in distressing courses such as “College Reading and Study Skills.”
However, the most integral of the advice released in this first integer of ideas will relate to all of you, guaranteed. You need to stop reading things other than textbooks. That includes books, magazines, road signs, food/household cleaner labels and even The Reflector. That’s right. Stop reading this immediately.
Let’s move on. As we all know, you are what you eat, but not really, because that doesn’t make sense. Despite this, you should focus on consuming a healthy diet of fruit-flavored drinks, vegetable-flavored potato chips and low-grade proteins that come in giant cylinders.
You don’t have time to think about nutrition, and you can’t afford to purchase anything frivolous now that you’ve quit your job. If you want, you can occasionally splurge on one of the various dollar menus here in Starkville. And yes, that includes dollar night at Rick’s. But order your drink to go; we’re on a time budget also.
Finally, try to be smarter than you actually are. If you can just wing it for a while and pretend to be very intelligent, then it is likely that this will carry over into your grades. Carry some high-falutin’ literature around with you so that others know that you’re now smarter than you actually are. Might I suggest Vonnegut?
Of course, you won’t actually read any of these books because they are very boring and you don’t have time. Instead, place one of your textbooks on the inside of your open “Slaughterhouse-Five” so that you can actually read something important like the tenets of “College Reading and Study Skills.” This way, you appear to be edified while you actually edify yourself.
With only a month remaining, you need to devote yourself entirely. It’s now or never, and as far as I’m concerned, those who aren’t now never will be. Good luck.