Imagine this scenario: It’s a crisp, cool Sunday morning, and you arise at about 8:33 a.m. to the melodious sound of songbirds chirping outside your window. You prepare a tall mug of your favorite Colombian instant coffee and sit down at your Compaq Presario desktop computer. You were away on Friday, so naturally you first glance at www.reflector-online.com (your homepage).
You bring up the opinion section because you happen to be an opinion writer (an awesome one at that). You read through the various articles, and you feel a sincere sense of satisfaction. You’re enjoying your life a little more than usual even, thanks entirely to these articles. As you scroll down the page, you find yourself curious, and you click on a certain article. A certain article by Mr. Jed Pressgrove, opinion editor.
As you read the article, you begin to notice a slight change in your mood. As Mr. Pressgrove goes on and on about replacing our beloved mascot (with, if I remember correctly, inglorious creatures such as a pelican, a zebra, a crack smoker or Conan O’Brien), you begin to notice that your happy demeanor is diminishing quickly. You can’t help but feel the anger that is now pulsating through your veins and even your soul.
In a bit of comic relief, you spit out your coffee all over your keyboard but don’t happen to find it very funny. You find it a little funny, but you don’t laugh out loud or anything. You’re mostly just very, very full of rage. You finish the article and can hardly contain yourself. Your head explodes, and you die.
That, my friends, is a true story. And I happen to be your humble and handsome protagonist. I am literally outraged at Mr. Pressgrove’s opinion piece. At first, I wondered to myself, “Is this real? Is he serious?” But then I realized that it had been published in a newspaper, and it’s impossible that things published in newspapers are at all facetious. It’s been proven in scientific studies that I read about in newspapers.
Of course, I immediately left some feedback on the Web site, mostly disparaging Jed and sort of disparaging his article. After all, Jed is the one that I hate passionately. I hate him and his kind, the kind that doesn’t take opinion writing seriously all the time. I want to punch them all in the arm (individually, mind you). Not hard enough to leave a bruise, but hard enough to send a real message.
I feel that this has gone too far. Writers like Jed are evading any sort of real thought, research or effort by submitting these illogical, stupid articles. Furthermore, by the time I’ve read the article and decided whether or not it was written in earnest, I’ve already wasted an hour of my life that I’ll never get back. It’s not like I can just skip over the articles that I don’t like.
Moreover, are you even an MSU Bulldog fan, Jed?
So for the sake of humanity, Jed, please be a little bit more frank in your writing. I know that you hate getting negative feedback, but you are the only one to blame for that.
And to the reader of this article, I apologize on behalf of Jed for possibly tricking you into believing that he wanted to change our mascot into a pelican. I can only hope he doesn’t remove my apology when he edits this article.