Apparently, The Reflector is now printing the opinions of various hoodlums and vagrants who don’t even work for the newspaper anymore.
Such is my immediate reaction to the article “Scribner tells offensive opinion,” published by The Reflector on Aug. 29. If you missed that article, then allow me to provide a brief summary: Washed-up journalist Jed Pressgrove makes an attempt at, and ultimately succeeds at, hurting my feelings by unfairly criticizing my article, “Phelps helps entire sporting world.”
Listen up, Jed Pressgrove, if that is a real name. You’re lucky I’ve taken the time to cool off before responding to your article. Regardless, we are no longer friends.
How dare you come into my opinion section and tell me how to write an opinion article? I guess that just because you used to edit my articles you think you can tell me how to write now, right now. Well, I have some news for you, Jed Pressgrove: You can’t, so shut up.
And just in case the haters out there still side with Pressgrove, let’s take a look back at his criticism. Let’s see how it responds to a taste of its own medicine. My guess is that, like a robot without its oilcan, Pressgrove’s criticism will slowly begin to fall apart.
Let’s start by taking a look at Pressgrove’s first accusation that my researching skills are lacking: “If only this Scribner character knew how to do a little research like Thomas Edison, who never invented the airplane overnight.”
If this is the case, then how would I know you are, or at least were at some point, the technical writer of a place called nSPARC. Your responsibilities include (or included) “writing and editing numerous documents, developing promotional projects and researching any assigned topic.”
How did I know all of this? Because I Googled you. Looks like I know how to research after all, Mr. Pressgrove. Point: Scribner.
Next, Pressgrove implied that I am a man of dissolute morals, as he suggested that my commentary on the upcoming 30th Olympiad (the XXX Olympics) was too bawdy for a student newspaper. This could not be further from the truth. If anything, I would say that my morals are too strong.
I suppose Mr. Pressgrove has forgotten the time in which I dove to catch that baby that had fallen from a tree limb above. And do you know to whom that baby be longed? That’s right, Jed Pressgrove. So far, it’s 2 to 0, Scribner.
Lastly, Pressgrove accused me of libel regarding my assertion that Michael Phelps had time-traveled from one year in the future and used his futuristic training methods to win gold medals. Pressgrove claims my only evidence for that assertion was my five copies of the “Back to the Future” trilogy on DVD. Well, Pressgrove is actually correct here. I fabricated the entire Phelps thing in order to spark controversy, which was wrong. I apologize.
Nonetheless, it remains clear that Pressgrove is an embittered and spiteful old man. He has lost to me by a score of 2 to 1 in this objective analytical contest, so hopefully things are now settled between the two of us. Maybe we can even be friends again.
Robert Scribner is a graduate student majoring in business administration. He can be contacted at [email protected].