Robert Scribner is a senior majoring in marketing. He can be contacted at [email protected]. I was reading the Internet recently, and it wasn’t long before I noticed a recurring topic. No, it wasn’t those zany LOL Cats pictures that everyone goes nuts over, me included. This recurring topic was political in nature. It was about presidents and who gets to be one someday.
I don’t care much for politics. Nonetheless, I decided to do some quick research on the issues so that I could justify my preconceived opinions when they are questioned. As you know, ignorance is something that I have detested since birth, when I was born with all the right answers.
Naturally, I consider myself to be open-minded to all types of people. However, I’m fairly certain that politicians share some sort of separate common ancestor to that of the rest of humanity. It’s unfortunate that we can’t trace genetic traits such as deceitfulness or corruption through a fossil record. I imagine that the primitive politicians of millennia past looked a lot like Mike Huckabee, though he doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.
Still, I try to analyze politicians objectively, as perhaps there are a few legitimate ones out there. I generally evaluate them based on things such as their platforms and political history. Those seem like reasonable and applicable criteria to me. Others like to take things a step further.
One example comes from a rally for Republican presidential candidate John McCain that took place in Cincinnati on Tuesday. As is usual at rallies, several orators spoke in favor of the candidate. One such orator was radio host Bill Cunningham. Being a much more critical thinker than I am, Mr. Cunningham prefers to analyze candidates on a much higher level. Namely, he looks at their names.
Cunningham’s main critique of Barack Obama is his middle name, which is Hussein. He mentioned it three times in his speech. And as we all know, your name is your destiny. There is no escaping the fate your parents chose when they labeled you whatever they did. I mean, look at me. My last name is Scribner, and here I am, lo and behold, writing for a newspaper.
Cunningham expects that Obama, if elected, will “saddle up” next to Hezbollah, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. Cunningham very cleverly alternates jabs at Obama with highly comical and sarcastic remarks such as, “All’s going to be right with the world,” or “Things are going to be wonderful.”
Cunningham is obviously a master of satire. He has figured out the key to persuading people via sarcastic remarks. That key is of course a delicate and clever process. Allow me to review it for you. Step one: Present an outlandish and disparaging straw man analysis of someone. Step two: Make overly positive remarks about the illusory character that you just invented, as if you actually support it.
Here’s an example: “Did you hear about that Bill Cunningham speech? With lines like his, he oughta’ be on ‘Comedy Central Presents.’ Boy howdy, he sure seems like a smart and objective fellow! Har har har.”
See how I did that? It’s a simple formula, and it is highly effective and highly humorous.
Cunningham also referred to McCain as John “Wayne” McCain. In case you don’t know, McCain’s middle name is actually Sidney. I have to hand it to Cunningham here. At least he is consistent with the middle name strategy, which I’m pretty sure he pioneered.
Luckily, McCain did come out and apologize for Cunningham’s raucous behavior, although I suppose to do anything less would have been pretty injurious to his campaign. Perhaps he should be more careful in booking speakers for his events. Otherwise, from now until the election, things are going to be wonderful.